RCO Radio Hour
by Umeko
Summary: The Orden's very own radio show. Hosted by who else but Isaak, Dietrich and the others.
1. Session 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

I know the RCO newletter has been overdue. However after consideration, I decided on something different. A radio show hosted by yours truly the Rosenkruez. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) The views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 1**

_Dietrich:_ Good evening all, I am Dietrich von Lohengrin. I am very sorry to inform all listeners that Basilisk and Helga will no longer be hosting your weekly _RCO Radio Hour_ as they have moved on to the next plane of existence. To put it bluntly, they are both dead as doorknobs for trying to bump me and Isaak off. They had it coming. However, you are still welcome to dial in with your miserable problems so me and my fellow DJ for today, Isaak the Magician, can have a hoot at your expense.

_Isaak: _We interrupt your regular programme to bring you an advertisement. We have an Austrian castle for sale after its owners moved on. Scenic surroundings, peace and quiet. Going for a song. Only a bit of cleaning is required to remove some bloodstains. Now let's pop on some Mozart.

_Dietrich:_ Aw, I was hoping Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite. It will go with the tutu you are wearing.

_Isaak:_ I am not wearing a tutu… _(grabs Dietrich by the neck and slams him against the studio wall)_

_Dietrich:_ Maybe yes, maybe no. The listeners can't see that, can't they? (_Phone rings…Dietrich wriggles free.)_

_Dietrich: _Our first caller. You're on the air!

_Cardinal Alfonso:_ I am interested in the Austrian castle. Would you consider donating it to the church?

_Dietrich:_ Let me confer with the agent. _(Confers with Isaak)_ Sorry. The décor may be too much for your poor churchman heart. And those hyper-sexy Automaids coming with the package. Goodbye and burn in hell. _(Slams phone down)_ Shall we do the weather report, Isaak? Brought to you by our sponsor, Dominic Pharmaceuticals.

_Isaak:_ The weather in Albion is expected to be cold over the next month. Ideal time to hit the Mediterranean if you hate the cold, sunny skies over Rome, Hispania… _(Phone rings)_

_Dietrich:_ We have another caller. Hello, you are on the air.

_Caller 1:_ I am a fan of Helga's. Is she really dead (sob)? _(Dietrich hangs up phone)_

_Dietrich:_ Silly question. Can you folks call in with more intelligent questions? _(Phone rings and Dietrich answers)_ Hello, you are on the air.

_Eris:_ Er, I have a problem… People keep trying to kill me because I've some unusual powers. They say I am a monster. Even my Pa tried to kill me. Help! I've been kidnapped by a bunch of vampires for my powers. They say the church will have me burnt as a witch. Does burning hurt? I think it will… I am not a witch and I am not a monster, am I?

_Dietrich: _Kiddo, I've been there, done that. Welcome to the club, you little freak. Never trust the Church. Do try to get along with the vampires, at least until you're strong enough to kill them creatively _(looks meaningfully at Isaak and hangs up)_

_Isaak (looking daggers at Dietrich): _I am taking the next call…_ (Answers the next phone call)_ You are on the air.

_Caller 2_: Er, do you do magic tricks for children's parties?

_Isaak:_ No. Apologizes. You have the wrong number, ma'am. Excuse me, the next call is coming in…

_Cain:_ You two suck, you can bore the dead to death! Our ratings have slid fifty percent. I would appreciate some more banter. Isaak, do something to keep our listeners with us! Announce Dietrich's boxer size to his fangirls or something. By the way, Abel, if you are listening, how about a little get together for old times' sake? And dear Sister- _(Gets cut off as the 2 DJs scuffle. Sound of ripping fabric…Yelling in the background)_

_Isaak: _This is for you fangirls. Dietrich does not wear underwear. I repeat. Dietrich does not wear underwear- _(Starts choking as the Puppetmaster employs his wires to creative use.)_ You little- _(Summons shadows to attack Dietrich. All hell breaks loose.)_

_Radio station:_ We apologize for the interruption to your regular programme. RCO Radio Hour has been cut short today due to technical difficulties. Due to today's fiasco, we may remove the above programme due to lack of listeners. If you are still supportive of the programme being aired, please send us a letter, telegram or call.

_Dietrich: (yelling and trying to cover his privates)_ Someone pass me a towel here! Someone fed my clothes to his shadow-puppies!

_Isaak:_ Here you go, Puppeteer _(Isaak hands him a tutu)_

_Dietrich: …_

**Author's Notes:**

As the radio station says, please review if you think Isaak and Dietrich should be given a second chance at the _RCO Radio Hour._


	2. Session 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. We have overwhelming votes to keep Dietrich and Isaak on air. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Basilisk and Helga are 2 Orden members from the novel who tried to kill Isaak and Dietrich to take over the Orden but gets killed for their pains. Please kindly tolerate any OOCness on my part as I am not exactly familiar with the novel characters. I may get away by having some of them killed.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 2**

_Kasper:_ Test-testing, 1, 2, 3. Am I on air? Er, good evening all. I am Kasper von Neuman and I am taking over RCO Radio Hour in memory of my late brother Basilisk… You listeners may remember me from the times I assisted my brother with feminine complaints from our listeners when Helga's away at her ice sculpture competitions… A moment of silence please…

_Dietrich: (Sticks his head in the studio)_ Hey, Kasp, here's your tutu

_Kasper:_ I was looking for my leotards, not a tutu… It's probably from one of those Auto-maids. So scat! Wait a mo, that's the one you were wearing back to the HQ last week…

_Dietrich:_ We have a hot gypsy chick out here who says she's a fan who wants to meet you.

_Kasper (starry-eyed):_ Really? My first fan… Thanks, Dietrich. Let's listen to a song request, _Vampires Will Never Hurt You _by _My Chemical Romance_… _(Runs out)_

(Sounds of a pitched duel to the death outside the studio. Dietrich steps into the studio with a mug of tea and a half-eaten sandwich in hand. He continues eating. Occasionally, he peers outside to check. Finally, the song ends and he shuts the door of the studio)

_Dietrich:_ Oops, maybe I meant she wants to kill you with her fan _(snicker)_ Good evening all. I am sorry to inform you that Isaak is occupied today giving therapy to some guy who wants to hijack an airship but is afraid of flying. Can you imagine the irony of it? Weather report from our sponsors. Storms expected over the North Sea, clear skies over the Med… (_Phone rings)_ My, my, the calls are coming in today. You are on the air.

_Caller 1:_ Hey, I have a slight situation here. There is a gun pointed at my head and I think that getting shot in the head would really hurt. So, I was wondering if you could tell me the most effective weapon you could make with a piece of string, a wad of chewed bubblegum, and a coat hanger. Thanks for any help you can give me, the person holding the gun to my head is threatening to read my plans for world domination on world wide television.

_Dietrich:_ I am so sorry to hear of your plight honest…muah-ha-ha… Seriously, maybe you should experience getting shot for yourself. I would love to hear about your grand plans on TV, so goodbye. _(hangs up)_ Another call coming in. You are on RCO Radio.

_Caller 2:_ Hi, I'm plotting the assassination...er, I mean, removal of one of the Cardinals currently heading the Inquistion Department but I think one of those knights is watching me. Any ideas on how to lure the guy out and...er, removal this threat? Or would it be better to recruit him on my side?

_Dietrich:_ I am a staunch believer in ridding oneself of all threats by speeding them onto the next plane of existence. Who needs friends anyhow? We of the RCO can offer you professional help at a reasonable price. We can offer a discount since those Church guys are no pals of ours. We have acted as consultants for various extremist groups seeking to wreak havoc all over Greater Europe and Africa. If you are interested in enlisting our services, please call our hotline at 6666-HELL. Our operator will deal with you. Assuming she is not too busy slaughtering Terrans. Next call please!

_Caller 3:_ (Bleep) Help me I'm freaking stuck in the building with what I swear are fairy vampire children!! I haven't been this scared since the illusion of a black angel talking about (bleep)-something!

_Dietrich:_ Ooo, you sound real scared. Too bad I never believed in fairies or angels so goodbye. Next call!

_Isaak:_ Dietrich, I trust all is well with you. I am calling from the airfield. I am currently trying to pry Alfred off my leg with a crowbar. When he volunteered for this gig last week, he didn't have a severe flying phobia. Have you been messing with his mind, by any chance?

_Dietrich:_ Who? Little me? _(acts innocent)_

_Isaak:_ Yes, you. The flight is leaving and we both want Alfie on that flight to Rome, don't we? If this gig falls through, I guarantee you will be cooling your heels in the dungeons of that Austrian castle we still have not sold off yet. If I don't get back to Berlin on time thanks to your mischief, you will have to take Guderian for his monthly shots at the vet instead.

_Dietrich:_ What? That werewolf gets nasty whenever anyone mentions 'vet'. He'll tear me to bits after he's done with the vet! Alright, Magician… You got a deal. How the hell did your dog get rabies anyway? Did he bite Master by accident or something? Oh, if anyone in the Orden is seeking a promotion, I will be carrying out interviews for special posts in my workshop in Munich… Oh, another call.

_Suzanne:_ Hey, Dietrich. Where is that package you want me to send to Munich HQ? I will be flying over and I am not waiting till Christmas.

_Dietrich:_ Sorry about that. Will get back to you shortly. _(Yells out of door)_ Hey, pack up that stiff in the corridor and send the box to the loading bay. Address to my workshop and label 'Raw materials' on it. Mop up the blood while you are at it. Thanks! Next caller please…

_Caller 4:_ uh, hello...I'm recently moving to Berlin, you know all the terrorist out there seemingly like to bombed Rome 3x a day. Well this new surrounding is calm and peaceful, no inquisitors blasting the street and screaming HERETIC!! at 3.00 AM if you know what I meant. But recently, my family seemingly encounter strange things. My grandson swore he sees a very big wolf drive a limo, and my granddaughter spills her ice cream saying that the blonde young man in front of her ruffling his wings and accidentally knocked it over...his companion politely offer to change the spilled ice cream though we had to decline his polite offer. Granddaughter got spanked when we got home, but crying hysterically that she didn't lying...is there something on Berlin's water around here which make massive hallucinate?

_Dietrich:_ Well, you wouldn't have to worry about that for a while once we nip over to Munich for the Oktoberfest, no? By the way, we will be moving to a new studio shortly… My, my how time flies. That's all for this week. Goodbye.

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**Author's Notes:**

All profanity will be replaced with bleeps as symbols are not supported. I don't Guderian will enjoy being called a rabid dog. I think the Vatican should wise up to this show on the airwaves soon.

Thanks for the reviews. Any more calls for Dietrich? He may not answer all of them to your satisfaction.


	3. Session 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

By the way, I have received constructive critique on the call-ins from reviewers. You will no longer be anonymous. Your name will appear in this ficcie. Isn't that great?

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 3**

_Dietrich:_ Good evening folks. Welcome to RCO… Reiz, what are you doing here? Aren't you hanging with Isaak… What's this? A song request? (Takes piece of paper from Guderian and reads) I do not appreciate being referred to as a rabid dog. I will teach you the differences between being mauled by a wolf and a dog now, you filthy Terran… (Sounds of growling in background…) Reiz, old chap, let's not be too… ARGH! (Sounds of snapping and mauling with bloodcurdling screams) Isaak! Call him off! Argh!

_Isaak:_ Sic him. (lights a cigarette)

_Dietrich:_ Isaak! I'll get you for this! (Scrambles out with a werewolf in hot pursuit…)

_Isaak:_ Good evening, listeners. First, I must present the week's news. The airship Tristan was hijacked en route from Londinium to Rome by a lone madman on Sunday. The incident was resolved in the typical Vatican manner of calling out their Inquisition guards. I need not add that almost all passengers and crew were killed during the bungled rescue attempt. Next bit of news, 10 Methuselahs were found massacred in the city of Florence on Wednesday. An additional 15 were found massacred in the same city on Thursday night. The Vatican was commandeered the investigation into both massacres. Both incidents are believed to be unrelated. One more bit of news: Inquisition forces raided an abandoned radio station in Berlin on Friday. They were fairly surprised to find it deserted and their intelligence lacking. (Smirk) Now for the weather report. Heavy fog expected in Istvan…. (Phone rings) I did not ask for you to call in yet. Ah well, since I am feeling a little charitable… Hello, you are on the air.

_Radu Barvon: _Er, I have major issues with the way things are run at my workplace. I have been passed over for promotion again! It is the seventh time already, all because my grandma isn't head of the department and my uncle isn't deputy head. That young chit of a novice from the academy got a big job because her uncle pulled strings! I am way sick of this! I feel my unique talents are being wasted in a dead end job. Should I go on strike or something?

_Isaak: _Pray tell, what unique abilities do you have?

_Radu Barvon:_ Well, I am a Methuselah. I have been employed in security and diplomatic fields. I have working experience in the Middle East. I can generate flames in my palms and throw fireballs accurately. Should I flambé the HR manager for a promotion?

_Isaak: _Well, well… I think we in RCO may be able to use a talent like you…. Listeners, please enjoy a bit of Bach while I speak with our caller. We may have a new DJ to replace Dietrich shortly. (Strains of Bach while Isaak and Radu go off air to discuss other details on admission to RCO) Sorry for the musical interlude. I hope you enjoyed it. Next call please.

_Cow13242:_ Hey, how are you. Um...I'm just wondering...if you and everyone else from the RCO destroy the world or take over it, what would you do afterwards? Cause, you can't just take over or destroy the world and not do anything else. If you can't answer, can Cain answer? Cause you know, he's your leader, and he should know these things...well if he can't answer that, can Issak answer if he's there, or anyone else from the RCO? Or did you guys killed them all?

_Isaak:_ I am feeling well here, thank you. I have no comments on your question. This topic is classified. If I answer you, I guess Cain would want to kill you. Next call please.

_Vampryo Teuthis:_ Uh, hey, we kinda have a problem here. (Ahem) My husband and I are getting quite annoyed from our daughter, Marie's need for this Isaak guy. She wears black hair like him, wears the black crap, and even talks like him too! Recently she dressed our family dog as you, which of course there is a flattering resemblance. She says she wants to marry Isaak, and of not, she'll torture the family dog with her "black magic". Is this normal for a twelve-year-old methuselah? She is our first born and whatnot, so we don't know.

_Isaak:_ Keep your daughter away from me. Brick her up in the cellar or something for her own safety, I mean it. I do not take kindly to deluded fangirls, Methuselah or otherwise. Next call please.

_Evilangel999:_ I have an, erm, problem... I made the mistake of serving Vatican priests...I believe it was Hugue and Abel, anyway, One of them ordered tea with NO sugar, and the other with 13. I accidently got them mixed up... Now one of the priests is running around Rome in the nude... What should I do?

_Isaak:_ Move far, far away… There you have it, folks. Undeniable evidence the Vatican is chock full of perverts and nutcases. Next call.

_Jen:_ Remember how I was complaining about vampire children and black angels? Well, now I have a more serious problem. Despite the children I've made myself at home, but now some priest blew up the roof and sent all the children away. Now I'm stuck on this crappy island alone, bored, and screaming for blood. Any ideas on what to do next?

_Isaak:_ Immigrate to a place where you can feast to your heart's content on Terrans. May I suggest Amsterdam? The weather's nice and foggy this time of the year.

_Mazdakitsune:_ I have a call and a question for Dietrich... Is there any way he can nip over to get rid of an annoying pest of a 10 year old cousin that's bugging my brains out? She happens to have an infatuation with a certain long haired Magician...

_Isaak:_ I am sorry to inform you that Dietrich is halfway to Hungaria about now. Dietrich, if you are listening, you could shack up in Istvan with an acquaintance of mine, Colonel Radcon.

_Lady Assasen27:_ Hey I'm a assassin/bounty hunter, who is kinda down on her luck, can't seem to find any good jobs, and this is not da stuff they advertise for in the newspapers if you know what i mean ... so I was wondering if you knew of anyone who needs my services ...Ps. Do you know a good hide out, I have a feeling the inquisition is onto me. (voice in background: HERETICS WILL BE KILLED!!)

_Isaak:_ My sympathies are with you. If you survive those rabid hounds of God (shudder), I may be interested in recommending you to an old acquaintance.

_General Zargon:_ Thanks a lot for the help you (bleep)! Now I have a gunshot wound in my head and there's blood all over the new carpet! Thankfully, I managed to kill the guy who shot me before he started reading my plans for world dominion. Can you at least recommend a good cleaner for the carpet? I have to get the blood out before my fiancée gets back from the store. By the way, can you tell Isaak that he owes me a favor for the crowbar I lent him? That Hugue guy from the Vatican already owes me 2 favours from the poker game last week...Oh (bleep)! Any suggestions for disposing of over fifteen bodies without getting caught? Gotta go now, there's some huge guy with an axe banging on the door!

_Isaak:_ Dietrich, I thought you were going to fix that problem? (Looks about. Remembers Dietrich is not around) Never mind. Suzanne, you there? Trace this call and fix his problem _permanently_. We do not consort with folks who consort with the Vatican (Next call)

_Suzanne:_ Roger that.

_FireMoonlight:_ I called the hotline and nobody picked up, your operator is busy, apparently. So anyways, following Dietrich of the RCO's advice, I set up an elaborate death trap to get rid of the Inquisition Knight whose been watching me. Sadly, while the plan worked, his partner found out and swore revenge. Now I'm running in the streets trying to dodge a mad revenge-driven knight from butchering me, and he's even more skilled then his partner! How to get rid of THIS one? A quick answer now would be appreciated! Your operator to 6-HELL isn't there!

_Isaak:_ Sorry about that, Suzanne must have been polishing her biplane. You deserved it anyway for going DIY instead of consulting us first. Maybe you could DIY your way out of this one too. Goodbye.

_Suzanne_: (muttering to herself) Radcon… that name rings a bell. Aha! I got it. You gave that bloke therapy some years back in Berlin maximum security jail. Magus, did you just recommend the same Radcon who was nailed for child molestation to put Dietrich boy up in Istvan?

_Isaak:_ Why, I do believe I did. He's fully reformed. Any further comments on that? (sips at a glass of Bloody Mary)

_Suzanne:_ No… Wait, I am reading something on my radar heading our way…

_Isaak:_ It's probably Mein Herr coming over after picking up his fish and chips from Londinium…

_Suzanne:_ The signal is definitely Vatican Inquisition. At least ten or more battleship class. Shall I crank out the strafe-artillery, sir?

_Isaak:_ No. Save your ammo and stay away from my battleship. _(Sound of battering ram on the studio door. Voice in background: OPEN UP IN THE NAME OF GOD!!)_ Bother, I guess that's all for this week, folks. I have some hell to unleash on an unwelcome guest…

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**Author's Notes:**

Please kindly tolerate any OOCness from Suzanne. Radu's joining the team.


	4. Session 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Alright, for those who wish to know more about the former hosts and that li'l episode of infighting in the Orden… The story is as follows (from Wikipedia): Helga gets jealous that Cain favours Isaak over her so she decides to remove Isaak permanently. She teams up with Basilisk to kill Isaak and his protégé Dietrich. However, Isaak gets wind of the plot and kills Basilisk. Then he shapeshifts to take on Basilisk's appearance to fool Helga and kills her.

New member in the RCO and in the studio. Radu joins the Orden voluntarily in the manga due to grievances over his lot as a lower noble but promptly regrets it when he receives his orders regarding Ion. Naturally, Dietrich has to rub it in his face.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 4**

_Isaak:_ Welcome listeners to another RCO Radio Hour. I am glad to be back on the air from our latest hideout, since the former station was levelled by some crazy Inquisition captain. Covering for Dietrich today will be Flamberg, our latest addition to the team. Greet the listeners, Flamberg, and report the news while you are at it. There are no musical interludes because we are acquiring new records since they were wrecked in the attack.

_Radu:_ Good evening all. Here's the news for today. Tensions in Hungaria are at an all time high as the Marquis, Lord Gyula Kadar faces off strong opposition from various factions over his plans to acquire land adjacent to St Matthias' Church for building a casino. Mother Abbess Laura Vitez has stated that she will not accept the proposition of a casino on the doorstep of her church on moral grounds. Leading Terran citizens have also protested the forced evictions carried out by the Hungarian security forces despite reassurances that the casino will boost the tourism dollar and the economy.

_Isaak:_ Try a little more sarcasm. Folks in East Germanius and Hungaria were puzzled by wolf-sightings in regions where the species is known to be extinct. Some have even reported the beast chasing a youngster whose description sounds mildly familiar to me for some unknown reason. Authorities have out it down to mass hallucinations caused by fog and bad vodka.

_Radu:_ More on the Vatican front. Rumours are rife that Cardinal Sofraz has taken out a protection order on behalf of the Pope against her own brother, Cardinal Francesco, after the Church's doctors found His Holiness' ears in danger of permanent damage from his booming voice. Surprisingly, Cardinal Francesco has done the same against his sister. After careful consideration that joint guardianship of the Pope lies with his two elder siblings until he is eighteen, the protection orders were declared null and void in the name of the Holy Church. The guardians of the Pope were spotted slugging it out behind the courthouse afterwards.

_Isaak:_ I propose to work around that problem would require the death of one of the cardinals, don't you? Well, it is time to call in.

_LadyAssassen27:_ Hello, how are you guys doing? ... Well I managed to survive the 'Rabid Hounds of God' as Isaak put it, but now I desperately need a job, not only because I need the money, because its blood boring, just hiding all the time. Isaak, I would really appreciate that recommendation.

Isaak: Why don't you march yourself to Hungaria and call on the Marquis? He may be keen to take out a contract on a certain habit-wearing harridan of an abbess that his security folks are too squeamish killing. Next call.

_Mazdakitsune:_ Holy (bleep)! Issak or Dietrich! Whoever that's there! You have to help me! My idiotic Methuselah cousin's gone to the Vatican and played a prank on the Inquisition Leader! (Sounds of swearing and laughter in the background) Needless to say, he is NOT happy with itching powder in his armour, and I'm getting the blame! I'm currently holding them off with some gunpowder, but that insane ten year old (bleep) cousin thinks she's Issak and she's opening the freakin doors for them to supposedly hold them off with her "Shadow minions"! OH FOR THE LOVE OF (bleep!) HELP ME!

_Isaak:_ Oh dear, now you know why I hate brats under the age of twenty-one. I will be fairly amused to know how well your cousin's shadow minions hold up, since I took half a century to perfect them. Next call please.

_Cow13242:_ Hi again, and I see, Cain wants to kill me, interesting...but he doesn't know where I am! Mwahahahahaha! (then hears a knock on the door and answers it and there's Cain and his crusnik form) Drat...um, do guys have any suggestions to calm your master down?

_Isaak:_ It has been nice chatting with you… (hangs up) Flamberg, why don't you handle the next call?

_General Zargon: _I feel I must inform you that I do not appreciate that assassin. Is it my fault that I'm trying to rack up favours wherever I can? After all, if I'm ever caught by people who owe me favours then I can just ask them to let me go as a favour. Now, back on topic, you do realize that now you owe me money for the wall and coffee table, don't you? I'll be expecting the money for repairs very soon. I'll also be wanting that crowbar back, my fiancée apparently found out about the fire arms I was keeping in the hall closet and she locked it. By the way, can you tell Suzanne that we really should try and slaughter each other again sometime? I had a very good time (sounds of a door being broken in and a voice screaming DIE HERETIC!) oh (bleep)! I have to go now!(sounds of battle in the background and a voice screaming NO! NOT THE BOOKCASE!)

_Radu:_ (to Isaak) I think it's for Lady Suzanne. I don't recall owing anyone money, except maybe the Viscomtess of Odessa after she massacred me and my pal at poker.

_Isaak:_ Tell him the Red Baroness has gone to return his crowbar. She will drop it down on his address en route to Amsterdam.

_Radu:_ Isn't bad weather expected over Western Europe?

_Isaak:_ So? To ensure the crowbar doesn't get blown off course, she's attaching it to a 50 pound load of munitions. Next call…

_Dietrich:_ Isaak, please advise if it is perfectly normal hospitality in Eastern Europe for your landlord to insist on joining you in your bath? (dripping sarcasm) I happen to have both my wrists in plaster casts thanks to Reiz, but I don't like the looks he's been giving me.

_Isaak:_ Flamberg, you are from Byzantium, I guess you will be more aware of Eastern customs.

_Radu:_ Well, in my homeland, it is perfectly normal for a host to invite his guests for a dip in his Turkish bath before dinner, and join them too. Naturally, communal bathing is gender-specific. A young man should never get into his hostess' bath, even if invited, unless he wants to risk getting skewered by her irate husband.

_Dietrich:_ Let me guess who the young man who got into the lady's bathtub is. Perhaps you? So does this quaint custom apply in… Argh! How did you get in here! Don't even think of touching me! (Sounds of splashing and vigorous struggling) Lemme go! (Bleeping-bleep) Damn you, Isaak! (Line goes dead)

Isaak: (pours out a glass of red wine) Children grow up so fast, don't they?

_Radu:_ Er, shouldn't we do something? (starting to feel uneasy)

_Isaak:_ No, that boy has everything under control. Did I mention he's a Terran who enjoys pulling our strings?

_Radu:_ Oh, then I guess it's alright by me.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ Regarding your last answer about me deserving being chased by some lunatic knight, I simply took advice from you guys! Sure it was Dietrich, but since he's of the RCO I would at least expect your members to give good advice. Anyways I managed to lose the knight when I ran by a Methuselah nest and had them fight each other. When I got to my hideout though I learned that my partner in crime has been arrested and taken to the Inquisition Department. What's the best way to break in and bust him out?

_Isaak:_ If your partner is that pathetic as to get nailed by the Inquisitors, you should really consider getting yourself a new one.

_Vampryo Teuthis:_ Hello? (ahem) Well, I followed your advice, and locked Marie up in her room (with concrete, just in case), and she's over her infatuation. But we have a MORE serious problem. Once we let her out, she turned into a CATHOLIC! She says she wants to join the Vatican and become a nun. My husband and I are (bleep)! And what's worse, a little redheaded nun recruited her and now tomorrow morning they'll coming to get my little Marie! Any words of wisdom for me or clever insults so I can tell them off?!

_Isaak: _There are some options open to you. First, disown the little ingrate and let the Holy Church due with that problem. Second, kill the little ingrate. Third, kill the little ingrate and the nun to boot.

_Radu:_ Sir, shouldn't we be giving advice to help them get their partners and kids from the Church? (Spots Isaak's shadow minions hovering in the background) Er, never mind. Next call…

_Jen:_ Well, like Issak recommended, I moved to Amsterdam. Nice weather, good food, and all things were doing well. The Methuselah here, though not exactly nicest to look at, are pleasant and quite civil. Then out of nowhere, ANOTHER priest comes along and slaughters off the whole band of them. What the heck is going on with the Vatican here? Where are those strong atheists and Methuselah when you need them? More importantly, what should I do now? Head for Barcelona, Spain? I heard it's the place to go to forget your troubles...

_Isaak:_ Ah, Barcelona, city of art and music. I am planning to hold my organ recital there in a couple of months. As for the Vatican, how many times must I tell you folks out there they are nutcases and perverts? If you need some like-minded friends, I can recommend a nice social club I happen to belong to. The Rosenkreuz Orden. You can log in at our website at RCO-dot-com for details on membership.

_Dietrich:_ Isaak! I need backup here. You are a lousy therapist! Your ex-patient still has a thing for young boys and men. (More scuffles and screams) Help me here, would you? My hands are still in plaster casts!

_Isaak: _Sorry, time's up. Anyhow, we did have some progress, since he's now interested in teens and not kiddies. I would advise you to either run for it or lose your virginity, if you haven't already lost it. Goodbye, Dietrich.

_Dietrich:_ Argh! (Bleeping-bleep-bleep)

_Isaak:_ That's all for today. Till next time.

_Radu:_ Till next week. Er, sir, is it normal to have a Vatican airship hovering above the station?

_Isaak:_ Oh (bleep)

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Read and review. Isaak's been nasty to Dietrich, isn't he? Will Dietrich get his back soon?


	5. Session 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Dear reviewers, all calls will be edited to fit the flow of the story plot. Calls that are simply too way out will be ignored by the RCO. BTW, Dietrich is back and not happy. Cain drops by.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 5**

_Dietrich:_ Welcome once again to RCO Radio Hour. We apologize for our absence no thanks to those Inquissies and an incompetent causing the loss of our third station in as many months. (smirks at Isaak, who happen to be tied to a chair and scowling) It is really good to be back… and to get my own back for that. (Kicks Isaak in the shin) Nice place you have landed though. Nice climate with a hint of Eastern decadence… is it a rental? Flamberg apologises for his absence as he has been called away on urgent court business. Oh bother, I suppose I will have to do the news. How boring… Would you like to do the honours, Magician?

_Isaak:_ There was a certain young man who wound up shacking with a nun after he ran into an Istvanian church screaming for sanctuary. _In the nude._ Gak (Chokes as Dietrich tightens his wires around his neck. Dietrich then climbs onto his lap and pricks his shoulder with a silver knitting needle)

_Dietrich:_ Come again, Isaak, I am afraid I didn't quite catch that… (pushes knitting needle in slowly)

_Isaak:_ The Marquis of Hungaria is presumed dead after the forces of the Holy City ruthlessly wrought destruction in the area… no small thanks to a certain computer engineer I recommended to him…

_Cain:_ (Steps into the studio and sees the pair) Well, well… I hope I am not interrupting anything, erm, kinky. Maybe I will stay and watch the festivities. (Pulls up a chair just as phone rings) Are we on the air? How pleasant. Hi, Sister Seth, I must say you have a nice country here. I may hang about for a while and drop in on you sometime. (Phone goes off)

_Dietrich:_ (Scrambles away from Isaak) You are on the air, caller.

_Cain:_ No more games, Dietrich? (Smiles)

_LadyAssassen27:_ Well I went to see the Marquis as Isaak suggested, and he gave me the job, and I did it quite well, I might add. But now there's this redhead nun, that wants revenge, 'on all vampires' as she says, any ideas on what to do with said nun? Ps: Is it normal for Dietrich to be running around being chased by ...Colonel Radcon?

_Cain:_ Dietrich, Dietrich… So you have been fooling about outside. Watch out about the RCO's reputation, will you? Surely you have better taste than that.

_Dietrich: _I suppose I will have to do something about dear little redhead Esther.

_Isaak and Cain:_ (together) Dear little Esther?

_Isaak:_ I think little Dietrich is growing up. (wriggles free of his bonds) Have you two done it yet? We were starting to think you're gay.

_Dietrich:_ Can we discuss my sex life off-air?

_Cain:_ No… The idea of you fornicating with a nun in a church is somewhat intriguing. Spill the beans, boy. (Raises his arm at Dietrich) Is there another call coming in?

_Cow13242:_ Oh, THANKS A LOT! Now I lost an arm, a leg and my eye! AH! Anyways, Cain said he went easy on me, But he didn't! Well if I start arguing with him...he'll probably kill me completely...I ONLY WANTED TO ASK HIM A QUESTION! Can you please tell me what to do? Should I like tell him that he's the greatest leader or something? Come on, I'm on your side.

_Cain:_ I am very sorry about your loss. Maybe I should go back and finish what I started or continue this little discussion with you, don't you? (Flies out open window)

_Isaak: _Next call please. (summons shadow minions who promptly grabs Dietrich and pin him over the chair.) This is going to be so satisfying disciplining you. (pulls out a baseball bat and yanks Dietrich's pants down) Just as I thought, you came prepared… (tosses aside the thick phonebook Dietrich has stuffed down the back of his boxers) At least it wasn't a Bible this time…

_Dietrich:_ Isaak! Argh! Ow! (screams and curses as Isaak proceeds to swing the bat hard onto his exposed rear end)

_Lady Dragon715:_ I've been having this problem. Whenever I get mad at someone their heads explode, any solutions on how to fix it?

Isaak: Why, would, you wanna solve that? (More screams from Dietrich in the background) Next call!

_Vampryo Teuthis:_ (groan) I just disowned Marie, and now my husband disowned me and not only that, FORCED me to join the Vatican! Should I kill my (bleepity)(bleep) husband, or should I go with his plan and assassinate the dorky little (bleepity)(bleep) pope?

_Isaak:_ (Throws aside broken bat) And I thought Dietrich here has the worst taste in partners. Kill your ex by all means. As for the pope, you realize that he is only a puppet. The Church just popped him there as a buffer to keep two of their cardinals from declaring open war on each other. (pause) On second thoughts, kill the Pope and we will sit back and enjoy the fireworks as the Holy City burns in civil war. Next.

_MazdaKitsune:_ For your info, Issak... my cousin chased the whole lot of Inquisitors away when her... erm... "shadow minions" went out of control. Now… is there a way to not get swallowed up by this huge wave that's trying to devour anything in it's sight? (looks up at the approaching darkness) Er, maybe spare a tip or two for my coz?

_Isaak:_ (lights up a cigarette) Hm, sounds like a Moloch Class 5 shadow beast you got. Do you happen to have a kid on hand to sacrifice to it? That might do the trick…

_Dietrich:_ I-Isaak… You (bleeping) beat the crap outta me… (pulls his pants back up) Were you trying to kill me?

_Isaak:_ So? Maybe I was. You can take the remaining calls.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ My partner really was pathetic, for the sake of a reduced sentence, he said he was going to work for the church now! I think he's been talking to that convict...Dagger? Dandelion? I think to was Dandelion. I really need a new partner, and god forbid but I'm eyeing the same knight that tried to kill to me! Is this just a phase respecting your enemy, or should I actually try converting the guy? Any ideas on driving him crazy and convincing him of it?

_Dietrich: _I think it may actually work out. Isaak and I try to kill or utterly humiliate each other every other day, yet we are still at it after ten years. I suggest you use your telepathic abilities to tap into his head and brainwash him into joining you. If you have those powers, that is. (snicker)

_Isaak:_ Dietrich, let me go… (finds himself being forced to his knees)

_Dietrich:_ Gee, not until I make you clean my shoes (wriggles fingers behind back, curses from Isaak in the background) Next call while Isaak cleans my shoes with his tongue.

_General Zargon:_ Thanks for the munitions! I was starting to run low, but thanks for returning the crowbar. Though, I won't get the opportunity to use it on the hall closet door until a few weeks. Apparently, the house has an infestation of cockroaches, thus me and my fiancée have been forced to move to the second summer house, as both the first summer house and the original house have to be repaired and fumigated. Any suggestions for continuing world domination when the plans are still in the house being fumigated? Do I wing it or do I wait until the fumigating is done? By the way, in response to the munitions almost being dropped on my head, I have sent a time bomb to your studio that is set to go off approximately five minutes after this call ends. Have fun!

_Dietrich:_ Oh, we are having fun… I don't see why lack of a fixed address will affect your plans. Mobility can be a plus. Too bad since we are located in a new undisclosed location and our last location now occupied by some church orphanage, well, I guess you have wasted your bomb on some scrawny kids and those nuns running the place. Oh, Isaak, you missed a spot.

_Radu:_ (Walking in) Damn! I can't believe they actually gave that mission to that novice blond viscomtess… Er, (sees Isaak licking Dietrich's shoes) am I disturbing something?

_Isaak:_ Hold your tongue on this or die (glares at Radu)

_Ion _(from outside): Radu! Are you in? The match is starting in ten minutes! The front doors open so I let myself in…

_Dietrich:_ Your blond chit of a lover boy wants you, Baron. (snicker)

_Radu: _Crap! That's all for this week, listeners. (Slams door shut behind him as he runs back out to stop Ion) Ion, I was just about to leave for that tennis match…

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

After this episode, I guess all the RCO minds are in the gutter where Isaak and Dietrich are concerned. SM, bondage… Poor Ion. Blond chit indeed. Any educated guesses on where the radio station has been set up?


	6. Session 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. This is not running with anime storyline though there will be references to incident in the anime and references to RCO members from the manga and novel. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Radu gets his big break in this episode, and then his old man tries screwing things up for him.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 6**

_Radu:_ Good evening all. Welcome to RCO Radio Hour. Flamberg here. I regret to inform you that Isaak and Dietrich have skipped off for their summer retreat in some Bavarian country manor with the others while I am stuck doing this session as I was unable to get clearance to leave the country, unlike some novice who got cleared to party at some costume party Outside. I suppose the weather Outside will be sunny and bright (shudder), may they get sunburn. Now for the news…

_Radu's dad:_ (from outside) Boy! Don't be late for your appointment and dress neat! You do want to make a good impression on your future wife, don't you? And watch that smart mouth of yours in front of the Duke.

_Radu:_ (to his dad) Yes, father. Nine o'clock, I won't forget. I'm not as senile as you…

_Radu's dad:_ Whassat? Do you want me to box your ears? (Tries the door to find it locked and bolted) You little (bleep)! (Banging on door)

_Radu:_ Why didn't you stay in the Balkans like you said you would? Back to the news. Alarm has been raised by various factions regarding the current interventionist methods employed by the Vatican. It has been alleged that the Vatican Inquisition branch was implicated in the Hungaria incident. The Four Counts ruling the Low Countries have voiced concern that the Vatican is trying to stir up trouble in their cities as an excuse for sending in their army. On the scientific front, famous scientist Dr James Barrie claims that he has perfected the gene engineering process for creating fairies. His data has been met with scorn by the scientific community and dismissed as the mind-sickly fantasies of an island-bound hermit. The good doctor had previously been fired from the Albion University amidst rumours of paedophilia and has been running an island orphanage since…

_Radu's dad:_ (from outside) Woe is me. My only son is a hopeless ingrate who is probably gay to boot. I knew letting you hang around that Fortuna boy was a mistake.

_Radu:_ Father, the auditions for the Imperial Drama Club is over and I like Ion as a friend, nothing else! Cut out the dramatics… Please enjoy _'The Silk Road' _while I see to my sadly deluded dad. (leaves the room)

(Strains of soothing string music with angry words in the background)

_Radu:_ Dear all, thank you for your patience. Now on the Vatican front, Cardinal Francesco was found concussed after a minor accident while he was passing his sister's balcony and a potted rose bush… (Phone rings) Hello, you are on the air.

_Isaak:_ Flamberg, what was the meaning of that new age junk you played earlier? RCO Radio is a classy channel and I expect the likes of classics like Mozart, Bach or Chopin.

_Radu:_ Yes, sir. I thought the listeners would find it refreshing…

_Isaak:_ Well, Master didn't. Watch it.

_Radu:_ Yes, sir. Well, back to the news… Duke Baybars was implicated in a minor incident involving a young tea-seller. The good Duke was forced to apologize to the girl after his men accidentally trashed her tea stand while chasing an unregistered Methuselah with long black hair through the marketplace. You are now welcome to call in.

_LadyAssassen27:_ Isaak, I have a bone to pick with you! The Marquis that you recommended decided to drop dead before he payed me, and I can't even get the cash now coz apparently his estate has been clamed by the church (bleeping bleep bleep) So now I'm still broke, and starving! Stupid Terrans and their silver daggers ... can't even get a decent meal without getting stabbed, what happened to the good old days when they carried wooden stick ... I think I'll just go back to the empire, join the Yeniceri ...what do you guys reckon?

_Radu:_ Well, Duke Baybars is hiring since he lost a couple of his men in the marketplace incident… I guess he may relent on the stringent requirements for entry. He generally maims half the applicants in the first round of trials… Good luck, pal. Next!

_Jen:_ Along the way to Barcelona, Spain, I met this man named Remington who's trying to chase after this guy named Aion, and they're driving me crazy. Remington's all about repent, Aion's all about destroying the world and obsessing over a 'Chrno' and 'Rosette'. I tried telling them that they need help, but they won't listen to me! Strange things happen when they're around, how do I keep them out of trouble, especially since they're both unnaturally strong and 'wise'?

_Radu:_ Your call only serves to reinforce my sincere belief that the folks Outside are nutcases. Try locking them in an asylum or something. Personally, I thinking of sending my dear Pa to a nice retirement home for senile Methuselahs in Siberia. Next call…

_Radu's dad:_ (from outside) Radu, you little ingrate!

_Radu:_ (to dad) Aha! Caught you eavesdropping again. Go fly a kite or something. Get off my back.

_Radu's dad:_ (outside) You get married to that Duke's daughter and sire a half dozen strapping grandsons on your wife for me to dandle and I will leave you alone. Don't blow this engagement now… and don't give the roving eye to the waitresses at the café later…

_Mazda Kitsune:_ I've gone and given that cousin of mine to the Moloch and it's pretty happy now. Unfortunately, I've been disowned. (Sighs heavily) Well, then... do you any place where a Methuselah like me can go for a rejuvenating vacation? Possibly somewhere that includes cute guys like that dark haired, tall vampire I saw at a tennis match last week? Thanks.

_Radu:_ Sometimes you don't need family… Try the Byzantium Welfare Service for placement. You may get assigned to clean the tennis courts. Next call!

_Crazy-in-love:_ I have a little problem and I was hoping you could help me; I met a gorgeous hunk of man-flesh last night and i've fallen for him. Problem is I'm a Methuselah and he's (shudder) the Chief Inquisitor for the Vatican! But he's so damn cute! Is there ANY way I can change him?

_Radu:_ Lady, you are from Outside, aren't you? You need a shrink. Next!

_Vampyro Teuthis:_ (evil laugh) Well, I managed to poison my lover, AND join the Vatican at the same time! But the inquisition guards are strip-searching everyone from evidence of the murder, any advice on destroying evidence? Heh, and look out in the news about the boy-pope, he'll be singing with the angels by next week.

_Radu_: Burn up the damned evidence in the palm of your hand. (snaps fingers to generate a flame to light a cigarette)

_Radu's dad:_ Radu, no smoking in the house and no flames!

_General Zargon:_ I have good news and bad news, the good news is that the houses are done being fumigated; the bad news is that one of my new recruits panicked and accidentally gave the Pope's brother a concussion instead of killing him. Is there anyway to correct that mistake without being caught, or do I have to wait until the commotion dies down a little? But anyway (sigh) I worked really hard on that bomb, shame it's going to be wasted on a bunch of kids and nuns, but oh well! I'll just have to make another one

_Radu:_ Just go ahead and wipe out the entire College of Cardinals if you wish.

_Count Carel:_ I am highly suspicious of one of my friends. I suspect he is sneaking something behind my back. I even suspect that whatever business he is up to with threaten the little truce we currently have with the Terrans and I may even lose my life in the bargain. Am I being paranoid? What do you advise I should do?

_Radu:_ You are being paranoid. Nothing much to worry about… hahaha… (gets whacked by conscience big-time) Next call please.

_Radu's fiancée:_ I am set to meet my fiancé in a few hours and I am a bundle of nerves. Should I wear the blue velvet or the red silk? Will velvet be too formal since he's only a baron and not a duke like Papa… Oh by the way, I hope his voice is as sexy as yours…

_Radu_: Lady, flattery and blatant flirting isn't going to get you anywhere. And you sound like a squeaking scatterbrain. I think your fiancé will prefer you show up in a nun's habit and book your good self into a convent or somewhat. Next call, they are really coming in.

_Asta_: Radu Barvon! I recognize your voice and I know you are responsible for that fireball in my walk-in closet! I know you have issues regarding mission assignment but this is so juvenile, even for you. (aside) What? My darling kitty Venus is pregnant? By the Barvons' mangy moggy? (back to the phone) Wait, I am popping over to knock your block off as soon as my butler finds me undamaged clothes!

_Radu:_ This is Flamberg signing off for tonight, and seeking refuge from an enraged viscomtess. (runs from Barvon manor)

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

If you are wondering, Count Carel is the one of the Four Counts from the Sword Dancer episode. Scandal afoot in Byzantium. I hope Isaak and Dietrich isn't influencing Radu too much.


	7. Session 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Yes, the RCO set up their station in Byzantium, but not for long… more court squabbles ahead. Poor Radu doesn't get a break, does he?

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 7**

_Radu:_ Dear listeners, a good evening to all. I have sorted out my problems by skipping home for a while so my pa does not interrupt the programme. A short advertisement before I start. If anyone is interested in owning Bengal-Siberian cross tiger cubs, please contact Viscomtess of Odessa…

_Dietrich_: (enters makeshift studio) Nice dig, Flamberg, is this your bachelor pad? I thought it was the city dump. So, finally shook off that blond bitch? I hear your fiancée checked herself into a convent after clapping her peepers on her husband-to-be…

_Radu:_ Oh, good evening to you, Dietrich. How's your honeymoon with Isaak? Ack! (Sound of Radu getting smashed into the wall as Dietrich unleashes his wires)

_Dietrich_: Don't. Go. There. (smiling) Now, let's get on with the news before Mein Herr or Isaak drops us a call. Piracy in the North Sea is at an all time high despite the Albion navy presence in the area. Of course, we all know the navy's there to curb Vatican ambitions but not to catch pirates. Did I mention that the Vatican is meddling in Albionian internal affairs on the sly?

_Radu_: In Amsterdam, the Methuselah population was massacred by what is believed to be a crack assassin squad deployed by the Vatican. Methuselah leaders all over Europe are outraged by this event and intend to petition for better protection for Methuselahs outside the Empire limits…

_Dietrich_: On the Vatican front, Cardinal Caterina is planning to hit the road on a so-called diplomatic tour of Europe. Suspicion is rife that it is a lame excuse to escape interrogation by the Inquisition for suspicious activities. Her application for permission to leave the Holy City is currently under review for approval by the College of Cardinals.

_Radu:_ Our reporter in Bavaria reports a tremendous ruckus in the Bavarian holiday resort village of Ledenbrug when a young holidaymaker was alleged to have tried slipping hot chilli peppers into the soup of his Methuselah counterparts. The young troublemaker was sent packing by a werewolf… (looks suspiciously at Dietrich's newly mended pants)

_Dietrich:_ Now onto the weather report. Sunny in Bavaria, sunny in Rome, sunny in Hispania… (Spots Radu's interest in his pants) Flamberg… Are you looking where you should not?

_Radu_: Ah, no… (Looks away, drinks from his teacup and immediately spits out his mint tea) Dietrich! You (bleeping) poisoned my tea with (bleep) chilli! (Runs out to chug ice water)

_Dietrich:_ Now the line is clear for you to call in.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ Believe it or not, somehow I met in person your operator to the hotline that once failed me. She gave me some advice on how to turn a guy away from his beliefs, but when I tried those tactics the Inquisition Knight went hysterical on me. Maybe repeating one's worst memories over and over again to a guy was too much, but he sure as hell won't be patrolling the streets screaming HERETIC and I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE on me again. Still, any way to reverse such drastic effects? Seeing a grown man on his knees and clutching his head is making me feel unnaturally guilty.

_Dietrich:_ What I wouldn't give to see Isaak in that state. I guess plane-crazy Suzanna does have her uses after all. Well, I wonder what she will say when she finds out I nipped her favourite Messerschmitt to get here, and crashed it into a pig sty.

_Radu:_ (returning) Dietrich, do you happen to know what a plane wreck is doing in my tiger pen? And why my family tiger is dead?

_Dietrich_: No comments.

_MazdaKitsune:_ Dear Flamberg, I did as you told and got myself a place at the Byzantium Welfare Service and a nice job at the tennis court where I can pick up er... you get the idea. But anyway, I saw that tall, dark haired Methuselah again... and someone said that he's the Baron Luxor... um, anyway, do you think he'll be offended if I say that he totally makes me burst out in flames? Cause he's just smoking!

_Dietrich:_ Ooh. Someone has a secret admirer. But that someone is due to walk the hellish road of matrimony soon, isn't he? Flamberg, I picked this up on the way… I believe your old man is distributing it over town… (waves a wedding invite)

_Radu:_ What the? (grabs it from him) Holy (bleep!) That senile old man is marrying me off to the Duke's other daughter, and I am not informed? Oh (bleep!)

_Dietrich_: It could be worse, couldn't it? He could have matched you with the good Duke's niece instead. I think your nuptials will be more, erm, fiery, with that blond harridan blasting you to kingdom come over her tigress. Found good homes for those little mongrels yet? She is screaming how she would turn your guts inside out and give your bones to her kitties for chew toys… (Radu blanches considerably) Maybe if you get married soon, she will let you off on account of you being related to her by marriage, or maybe not…

_Ion:_ (calling in) Er, my best pal is in a bit of a pickle. He has to find tiger cubs a good home or someone will feed him to her tigresses. Any suggestions how to find good homes for four tiger cubs?

_Radu_: Ask your grandma if she is aware of any vacancies in the Byzantium zoo.

_Ion:_ Good idea! Why didn't I think of Grandmother? Hey, how did you know my grandmother is also the honorary curator of the Byzantium zoo?

_Radu:_ No comment. (ends call)

_LadyAssassen27:_ Hey Flamberg, thanks for that tip about the Duke and his love for maiming people (shudders) Well I managed to survive, an that's something ... man who knew that, that sword of his has Three blades, well anyway he said he would let me in, only now there is this small problem, he wants to check my record, and well let's just say that it ain't the cleanest, I've done my share of work in the empire, so um you live in the empire Flamberg, so do you know anyway to come up with false copies of your criminal record?

_Radu:_ Don't even try dreaming of it. Our Duke always cross-references his applicant details with the Secret Service files, thanks to him being on very good terms with the agency's boss. Take it from someone who has been there before. He had me scrubbing all the privies in the Academy after that minor accident involving his hat when I was still a kid… If you have committed some really big crimes, I advise you to skip town before they dig up the dirt on you and Duke Baybars use you as a point example for all the riff-raff.

_General Zargon:_ It's so hard to find good help these days. I have learned the meaning of that saying all too well recently (sigh) maybe I should just pack up my bags and try to assassinate the Empress this around. If you're wondering whats got me all depressed, one of my other new recruits decided to try and get a promotion by attacking the Inquisition headquarters upfront! Little idiot was killed faster than you could blink. Problem is, the idiot was the son of a rather well-to-do Methuselah family and now they want my head on a platter for getting their first son killed. Is there any possible way to avoid this short of killing the entire family, including second cousins and the family pet?

_Dietrich:_ Oh dear, but it really proves my theory that all vampire nobles are so inbred that their IQ is sorely lacking. Do you suppose your family is involved in this, Flamberg? Your folks have about the same number of brain cells.

_Radu:_ You little (bleep)! (Tries to attack Dietrich, only to get slammed into the wall by Dietrich's wires)

_Dietrich:_ My point exactly.

_Vampyro Teuthis:_ Hehe. Read the papers yet? No, not the pope being assassinated, but the whole Vatican burning down. Yup, burned the evidence...and the Vatican. Well, not completely, but...only the Inquisition department. Don't know how, just did. Okay, next: Choice of poison? Knife or gun? Which is the best way to kill the pope once and for all?

_Dietrich:_ Burst a paper bag behind the rabbit's back. Our dear little pope will probably keel over from the shock. Oops, look at the time. One more call and its au revoir. You are on the air.

_Suleyman:_ I have a little bit of an issue with certain new court policies. However, when I try to raise objections, my esteemed colleagues toss them out. I think I may be asked to resign my post on the council soon if I persist. Also, her esteemed Majesty thinks it is a good idea for one of my daughters to be wed to a lowly baron. Hell! When I went into that particular agreement with Barvon, we were still cadets in the Academy. Our friendship ended when he turned out to be a back-stabbing snake in the grass during the final exam. And I expected that agreement to be void as well. Is it just me or did he trot it out because his son is a lacklustre cadet and a wimp with no chance of courting a lady otherwise? I am not at all keen on handing my daughter to his son, who will probably follow in his misguided footsteps.

_Dietrich:_ Oh dear, I propose you start an opposition party and use your future son-in-law in it. If anything goes awry, dump everything on his lap.

_Radu:_ What the (bleep)! I am not keen on marrying your buck-toothed, cross-eyed, half-wit daughter!

_Suleiman:_ Radu Barvon? Is that you? You drove my other daughter into the local convent! So you marry her sister! You are a lily-livered coward who wouldn't even face my niece to take responsibility over what your tiger did to her pet!

_Radu:_ Face that crazy woman? Please! Are you sure you didn't mean to send her into an asylum instead of that mission?

_Suleiman:_ Young man, you are treading on dangerous ground here where your career is concerned… (makes mental note to demote Radu Barvon and send him to the boondocks)

_Suleyman's daughter:_ (snatching the phone from her pa) Radu, darling, please don't be rash! I'm out of that convent and our folks really should talk things over… Do you want my wedding gown to be white or…(simpering)

_Dietrich:_ (hangs up) Oh dear, as interesting as that little exchange was, I am afraid we are out of time… Adios, till next time. By the way, Flamberg, I spotted a couple of Yeniceri and one irate viscomtess heading this way. So bye. (flees)

_Radu_: (Bleep)

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Radu's in the soup this time. Wonder how he is going to explain to the Yeniceri. Close call with Ion calling in.


	8. Session 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest. I may do a stand-alone with Isaak and Dietrich on their Bavarian getaway, but I guess I may let it pass… Cain's on the air, finally.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 8**

_Cain:_ Good evening all. This is RCO Radio broadcasting from Berlin. Oops! Dietrich-boy, pass me my hand will you? I always find damp weather hard on my body. When's Isaak going to be back from Barcelona?

_Dietrich:_ Here you go. The Magier says he will be back after he's done with that organ thingy with the doc. Shall I start on the news?

_Cain:_ Go ahead.

_Dietrich_: An audit of the Vatican accounts has turned up major irregularities. The Holy City's defence budget has been exceeded by three thousand dinars but the Duke of Tuscany, Cardinal Francesco di Medici, stresses that the Vatican is fully able to absorb this deficit. The Holy Church's diplomatic offices have exceeded their budget as well throwing wild parties for foreign dignitaries. This is the twentieth year the Vatican overall budget is in the red. The College of Cardinals has encouraged the faithful to aid the Church in her hour of need by contributing generously for the sakes of their immortal souls.

_Cain_: In simple terms, they are asking all to pay or get excommunicated. Dietrich-boy, are you afraid of that?

_Dietrich:_ Nope. Been there, done that. After killing my pa and ma and the whole frigging town. In Albion, authorities are tightening their port controls after rumours of human-trafficking. Source alleged dubious immigrants have been entering Albion from the sea. Also in Albion, police have finally cracked down on a paedophile ring operating an orphanage on Neverland Island. However, rescue came too late for the poor brats and their remains were recovered in shallow graves in the island's caves.

_Cain: _Is there any news from my dear siblings?

_Dietrich:_ None from your brother since we last met in Istvan. In Byzantium, the House of Tigris and the House of Giza are in open warfare after a matrimonial agreement between the two noble houses came to a crashing end. Sources state that Count Rashid of Giza has sought assistance from his allies in the House of Moldova in defence of his son, the Baron of Luxor's, good name (snicker) while the prospective father-in-law, Duke Suleyman has approached his kin in the House of Caspia. We expect the good streets of the Imperial capital to erupt in street warfare... (phone rings) Hello, you may call in later.

_Seth: _Excuse me, but I wish to point out that there will not be any street fighting in Byzantium. The Imperial Council has nipped any hostilities in the bud by sending the Baron of Luxor and Duke Suleyman for mediation. As a member of the imperial council, I can inform you that the mediator will be a neutral from Outside. We have secured the services of a Dr Isaac Butler, a trained counsellor from Albion University, to assist us in working out this slight hiccup in an otherwise smooth arrangement via teleconference. Please kindly refrain from inciting unrest.

_Cain:_ Your voice sounds familiar… Sis, is that you?

_Seth:_ (Bleep) Cain? Oops, I mean I am afraid you are mistaken. (Hangs up)

_Dietrich:_ (to himself) Isaac Butler? Oh my, Isaak will be busy… (back to newscaster mode) The weather is expected to be sunny in Rome, Hispania and Cartago. Get out the UV shades and sunblock. Albion is expected to experience heavy rains. A cold front is sweeping in from the North Sea and the Low Countries and Germanius are in for a stretch of cold, damp weather. That is all the news for today…

_Cain:_ I suppose this is when you listeners call in with your problems for our assistance. Please kindly do so after enjoying this Ninth Symphony by Beethoven. Reiz, fetch me a copy of the Entertainment News from the news stand. (Strains of music)

_Petros:_ I happened to chance upon this radio programme while station surfing. I am facing some problems in manpower. I have major vacancies due to the last couple of missions and my men are sorely overstretched. Then they cut our budget. How in the Lord's name are we to recruit new men when the monthly pay doesn't even pay for a square meal?

_Dietrich:_ Make them a deal they can't refuse. Recruit from the prisons or something.

_Petros:_ You expect the Holy Inquisition to recruit criminals? (Slams down phone)

_Dietrich:_ How touchy. Next call.

_General Zargon:_ Thanks a lot you (bleep)! Because you didn't really tell me anything useful in your response to my last call. I wound up killing the entire family, second cousins and family pet included, not to mention the butler who happened to walk in at the wrong moment! But now I have another problem, which is the fact that I am now wanted for 'Vampirocide', is there any way to avoid having to kill the people who are sent to capture me? By the way, in revenge for your last bit of 'helpful' (insert sarcasm here) advice I have informed the Viscomtess of Odessa where to find Flamberg. Have fun dodging the irate Viscomtess!

_Dietrich_: Welcome to the club. I can't speak for good old Flamberg. Vamproycide is no biggy. Join the Inquisition. I mean, you get the Church's blessings to kill vampires. They may look the other way for any other crimes you have committed previously.

_Mazda Kitsune:_ I need a tip... there's a Methuselah stalking me for no reason... and I really need to get something to guard my privacy from being invaded... preferably something that's scary, with sharp teeth and sharp claws and would not attack me when enraged...

_Dietrich: _Ooo, I recommend a werewolf. They are loyal to a fault to their masters and have no brains for disobedience. Wonder if old Reiz has sired any puppies recently. I mean he was fond of that German shepherd bitch… (Sounds of growling) Reiz? Back so soon? Argh! Can't you take a joke? (Snarling sounds and screams)

_Cain:_ How charming… (fishes out a camera and snaps away)

_Firey-Moonlight:_ In regards to that Inquisition Knight who went hysterical thanks to me acting upon Suzanna's advice, I simply left him alone. From what I heard, an AX agent bearing the name Crusnik escorted him back. Here I thought AX and Inquisition members hate each other due to the cardinals...anyhow, if I did see this 'Isaak' in that state, I'll remember it's the boy from the RCO station. And I agree with said boy about seeing people in that state, while it first made me feel unnaturally guilty, I find myself constantly going back to that memory now. Shoot, is this natural as well? Or the beginnings of a rather sadist obsession?

_Cain:_ Ah, it is perfectly normal. Like how I delight in my childhood memories of my dear twin's face after I tell him his puppy's playing with the angels.

_LadyAssessen27:_ Hello all!! Well I'm managed to get away form Duke Baybars, and the other yeniceri ... quite easily actually, since there were all concerned about this other guy, I think he was called the 'Baron of Luxor' or something. But now one of them followed me, saying he wants to be my apprentice or some shit like that ...something about wanting to be an assassin rather than a yeniceri ... whoever's there any advice on what to do with the little idiot, coz its bloody annoying having him follow me around 24/7 going on about wanting to me my apprentice.

_Cain_: If I happen to encounter any unwanted hanger-ons, I simply kill them. Same for those who have proved themselves useless. Oh my, look at the time. I must go get these photos of Dietrich getting mauled developed for the Orden's photo albums. That's all for tonight. Till next time.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

I guess Seth has made a bad decision getting Isaak aka Isaac Butler to patch things up between Luxor and Tigris. Dietrich getting mauled? He really asks for it at times. Petros is another clueless bloke.


	9. Session 9

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Honestly, for news, this Radio Hour sucks big-time, probably because the hosts are fairly bigoted blokes. Attack of the fangirls.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 9**

_Dietrich: _That time again? Oh phooey, and I was looking forward to playing with the spoils of my raiding someone's family crypt for raw materials.

_Suzanne:_ You mean the von Kampfers'? Oh by the way, you are on the air and I wonder if the Magier is listening to this.

_Dietrich:_ Suzanne, I do believe you have set me up. How would you like to join me in the workshop?

_Suzanne:_ Here's today's news. Ta-ta. (Hands him the news and takes off pronto)

_Dietrich:_ Well, I guess it's only me for tonight since Isaak's still stuck in Hispania. This is Dietrich broadcasting from Nuremburg. Thanks to some nasty Church dogs, we have moved again. Let's see what's in today's news… Building collapses in Barcelona, dusty relics found in Rome, some exiled cardinal to visit the Holy City… blah, blah…. Sounds boring, doesn't it? Wait. What's this? Grave-robbing in Nuremburg. Police are offering a reward for any leads that may lead to the capture of the perpetrator. All victims were vampires of good family, including the Weisses, Schwartz and von Kampfers. A striking oddity is that in all the robberies, no grave goods were removed, only bodies of the newly dead. Eyewitnesses claim to have seen a suspicious figure loitering around the crypts before they were broken into. An eyewitness described the mysterious figure as wimpy-looking and effeminate… What? I am definitely not wimpy, neither am I girly…

_Cain:_ (calls in) I beg to differ on that last part. Who was screaming like a girl last week on air? And that time with the tutu….

_Dietrich:_ Oh (bleep) off. (Hangs up phone) Back to the news. A minor amendment. The eyewitnesses described the figure as a dashing and utterly charming youth…

_Dietrich's fangirl:_ (calls in) Come on, Dietrich! We know it's you! We luv you! (fangirlish screams and squeals of delight) Let's go stake out a cemetery together by moonlight!

_Dietrich:_ No, thanks. (hangs up) Latest news. German police have identified the grave-robber as Isaak von Kampfer, who also happens to be the most wanted vampire in the West for a litany of crimes. As to why he would be desecrating his own family crypt, let's just say he is psychopath…His crimes include conspiracy, murder and minor-abuse. Suspect is tall, pale complexioned with long black hair. He is also a heavy smoker…

_Isaak:_ (calls in) Dietrich! Quit using me as a scapegoat for whatever mischief you have been up to in my absence!

_Dietrich_: Aw, I would have used Radu, save he is stuck under lock and key in a Yeniceri dungeon thanks to some minor prank involving a blond viscomtess and red dye. The sort that never washes out.

_Isaak_: Di, let's just say if you have committed something like desecrating my family crypt, you will be receiving a whole new definition of the word abuse from me. As much as I would like to chat, I have to keep a dinner appointment with a priest… (hangs up)

_Yaoi fangirl: _(calls in) Hey, Di, what's your pet name for Isaak? Is he a hell of a lover? How do you rate him in bed? Who's the dominant one in your relationship? Do you guys go bondage and SM like the yaoi-girls forums claim? Are you jealous he's meeting someone else for dinner?

_Dietrich: _Gah! (Hang up) Where do you people get those ideas from? A brief report on the weather. Sunny skies in Hispania, rains expected in Rome and sandstorms in Cartago. Strong winds are expected to hit Albion in the following weeks. Please call in now while I listen to some soothing Bach… (Strains of music) Oh, a caller. If you gonna ask about me and Isaak, take a hike.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ The Inquisition Knight is recovering in the hospital after the trauma he went through because me. I couldn't help visiting and mocking him a bit, but when I left I quickly began to miss him! Cain said it was perfectly normal, but I went to a therapist to check. Anyways, when the doc found out I was responsible for putting a Knight in that position, he called the Church! Now they sent in some more knights after me, and while I managed to knock out or lose most of them, I saw my former partner among them! Emotions are running high now but I don't want to kill him so soon, maybe later but until  
then...what should I do?

_Dietrich:_ Why are you so squeamish about belting him one? Since he has joined the enemy and is trying to kill you, your partnership is officially over, ain't it? What I would give for a good excuse to choke Isaak and watch him writhing in agony… Next call.

_Sister Kate:_ Excuse me, I happened to chance on this radio channel and I am utterly appalled by the contents. You seriously need counselling for any abuse you have suffered as a child. I am sure such thoughts are a result of any injury, actual or perceived, done to you by this Isaak.

_Dietrich:_ Bug off, sis. I had enough counselling crap from Isaak to last me a lifetime.

_Sister Kate:_ Now, now, I am sure we can explore those negative emotions and exorcise them… Argh! (Shrill tone)

_Dietrich:_ (Lifts finger off a button on his switchboard and tone stops) Oops, did I scramble some circuits? (snicker) Take your goody-two-shoes counselling elsewhere, Nosey. Next call.

_Former Yeniceri:_ Hello, my Mentor listens to this show so I though maybe you could help me. My Noble parents sent me to become a yeniceri, but I don't want to be one, I would rather be an assassin, and now I've met one, and I think I'm in love, but she doesn't seem to want me as her apprentice, any advice on how to impress her, so that she will let me become her protégé?

_Dietrich:_ Charm her over with all the honeyed lies you can think up. Suggest she is special not only to you but to her people. Start a civil war or something and toss her up front. Chicks dig that saint thingy. Trust me on this. I have pulled it off once. You will still get top play second fiddle to her during the rebellion or what not.

_Tres:_ Seeking the culprit who put Iron Maiden temporary out of commission.

_Dietrich:_ Sorry, wrong number.

_Tres:_ Negative. Call trace put coordinates at this address. Demand clarification for hostile action taken against a member of the Church. Failure will result in a rocket fired in your vicinity.

_Dietrich:_ (looks out of window to see a Vatican airship approaching) Wait, would you believe it's friendly fire?

_Tres:_ Negative. Launching in ten….nine…

_Dietrich:_ How about an accident?

_Tres:_ Negative…Eight…seven…

_Dietrich: _Good night and good bye! (grabs a safety helmet and scrambles into the conveniently located bomb shelter under the RCO's Nuremburg branch headquarters.)

Tres: Six… Five…Four…Three…Two…One… Launch!

(BOOM!)

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Guess Dietrcih has played too far with Tres and Sister Kate. New address for the RCO radio station anyone?


	10. Session 10

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Poor Di really got harassed by his fangirls in the last session. He's not out of the woods yet. Isaak's revenge looms.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 10**

_Isaak: _Flamberg, which one would you recommend for the little twerp who got our Nuremberg lodge demolished? The cat-o-nine-tails? A branding iron? (ponders a wide selection of instruments of torture)

_Dietrich: _Mmf! Mmf! (screams into gag and struggles against his chains binding him to a dungeon wall)

_Radu:_ I would recommend the knout. Heavy leather braided with steel, guaranteed to split the skin… (More muffled screams from Dietrich as Isaak tests out the knout vigorously.)

_Isaak: _That was really a stress-reliever. Oh look at the time. Give him 20 more lashes, Flambreg (adjusts tie) Are we on the air? Good. _Gutenabend_ (Good evening in German), Dietrich is a little indisposed today. Where was I? Oh yes, The Pope sends his condolences and fairly useless prayers to the survivors of Barcelona, if any, after a massive earthquake levelled the town. All the buildings were levelled except the derelict dump known as Sagada Familia. Oh, Abel Nightroad, about that hot senorita you were hanging out with, my condolences to you. But you know you had your fun.

_Radu:_ On the Vatican front. Sources say that Cardinal Alfonso, estranged from the Church for so long in self-imposed exile in Madrid, will be visiting the holy city. If we are lucky, we may be following up with some traditional Italian intrigue. Poison in the soup, anyone? Or maybe those Inquissie bullyboys will take his Eminence for some softening up.

_Isaak: _Personally, I would go for the poisoned bedspreads. You know they say the Duchess of Milan has offered lodging to her uncle and he has graciously turned down her offer. Wise choice. Is she due to go on that diplomatic jaunt yet?

_Radu_: Not while Uncle's in town, I suppose. On to the weather report… Take it away, Di. (ungags a bloodied Dietrich)

_Dietrich:_ I swear I will get level with you…gak! (chokes as Radu rams the gag back in)

_Isaak: _I guess he's still an ill-disciplined brat. Reiz, would you like to light a bonfire at his feet? No? Good luck with your date, Reiz. Now for the weather report. Rain showers in Rome. Sunny days in Byzantium. That's all for the news. Radu, put on some Brahms and let's see if we can persuade Di to scream in tune. You only have yourself to blame for your plight, boy. I did not appreciate getting run out the opera in the middle of _Aida_ by my own kin thanks to your grave-robbing. Listeners, you may call in.

_Lady Assessen:_ Hello all at the RCO, I hope all is well with you'll. For some unknown reason, that ex-yeniceri that followed me, has been actiting very strange lately, like first he tells me that I should start some sort of rebellion, for 'the good of my race' that kid's been full of crap like that lately, but the worst part was when I ignored him he actually went of and tried to start a rebellion on his own, and I had to go and save his sorry little ass. And when I asked him where he got such an idea form he said a 'Mr. Dietrich' told him this would impress me, now what I want to know is if someone has been messing with this kid's head?

_Isaak:_ I apologise for any distress caused by his lame advice in my absence. (Pops open a bottle of vodka and empties it liberally over Dietrich's wounds. More muffled screaming) You take the next call, Flamberg.

_General Zargon_: Hey, sorry I couldn't call in last time, but I was busy kicking Vampire butt at poker. I now have the Viscomtess of Odessa, plus the Count (or Duke, I can never remember his title!) of Memphis in my debt. They both owe me 50 dinars from when I hit them with that straight flush! But anyway, I'm happy to say that I examined the ranks and only 100 of the 500 new recruits can be labeled incompetent! That's an improvement from the last batch. Anyway, I have a serious problem, my mother-in-law is coming over before the wedding to make sure I'm good enough for her little girl. Any ideas on how to make a good first impression?

_Radu: _Well, I have no experience with mother-in-laws. But my father-in-law seems to trust me when I show that I am capable of taking care of his daughter. Set up a mock robbery so you can rescue your gal, and make sure her mama witnesses it. Act caring, polite and gentlemanly, dress neat and comb your hair. That's the advice my pa gave me. Next call.

_Ion: _I need some help. I am being assigned to some gig to nowhere. I am gonna be stuck choking on dust in a Terran-run shanty town. But if I refuse this mission, I will break grandmama's heart. What should I do?

_Radu:_ I recommend you get some company. Misery loves company.

_Ion_: Thanks! I know just the person. Grandma, can I choose my partner for this trip? Really? Thanks. Wait till I tell Radu the good news! (runs off)

_Radu:_ No, wait!

_Isaak:_ Shot yourself in the foot, Flamberg?

_Firey-Moonlight:_ Taking your advice quickly, I nearly choked my former partner to death before some priest came along and I nearly lost my head due to said priest throwing some throwing disks at me. Someone up there hates me, its the convict who's working for the church! That Dagger or Dandelion character, the one responsible for turning my own partner against me! My blood boils at the very sight of him, he's going to pay...any creative ideas from your side?

_Isaak: _If you have been listening in, you should have some interesting ideas involving branding irons and whips. Next call.

_Mazda Kitsune:_ Hey, Dietrich! I took your idea about the werewolf, and I need to tell you two things... one, said stalker is dead... two, Mr. Werewolf here has decided that he wants me as a... well, you get the idea... (eyebrow twitch) I need a solution, Di... or I'll send the Were over to you via Methuselah airmail to join Reiz...

_Isaak:_ Send him over. I am sure Di will enjoy the company.

_Radu:_ Sir, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but we have visitors…. (Gets knocked out of the way as a pack of von Kampfer kin rushes in)

_Random von Kampfer:_ Isaak! How could you dig up Great-grandma Emma? And Great Uncle Fritz is the last straw. Lynch-mob time! Get the hempen collar and lob it over the rafters, Hilda! (Cheers of approval from the other kinfolk)

_Isaak: _Wait! I have nothing to do with whatever happened in the crypt. I was in Hispania!

_Icequeen:_ Just in case anyone's interested, I took the liberty of taking a few 'happy-snaps' of our favourite magician on his Barcelona holiday. Moonlit strolls on the harbour side in a very fetching pair of black board-shorts. Going at a reasonable price (wink)

_Isaak_: I want them, especially if they got the dates they were taken on them!

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

Imagine getting rousted by your own family for the desecration of the family crypt. Haha, I guess Di will be in for a hell of a time after this. Or will it be a case of Di's revenge?


	11. Session 11

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Embarrassing photos, tales and mayhem.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 11**

_Dietrich: _Good evening, I am not going to report the news or give the (bleeping) weather report. Instead, I will treat you folks to an evening of interesting anecdotes of my absent colleagues at their most embarrassing. What better time to do this than when Isaak and our Master are away in Rome and Flamberg packing for some diplomatic jaunt as a babysitter… Let's see what we got… Aha! Isaak fans, you will love this interesting titbit. Isaak always got second in his engineering class in Albion U. He always got pipped to first place by some Terran who is currently a priest. Dittto for matters of the heart. That has to hurt, doesn't it, my friend? I have a couple of photos of Isaak back in his dorky Uni days… Let's have a game show while we're at it. These photos are going to the first caller who can provide me with the answer to this question: Name me this classmate who pipped Isaak.

_Leon_: (calling in from prison) I know this one. Sir William Walter Wordsworth.

_Dietrich:_ Very good, sir. How may I send them to you?

_Leon:_ Send those photos to Rome's 5th high-security penitentiary for men.

_Dietrich: _Well, well… I suppose prison does weird things to folks… Are you an Isaak fan?

_Leon:_ Not exactly… It's for the cook so I cadge extra chilli from her with my meals. She adores your show big-time! She got your photos pinned up in the mess hall and has been hankering for any Isaak photos to go with those of you in that Bavarian barmaid uniform. The other guys in here think it's sexy for some reason… (Dietrich slams phone down)

_Dietrich:_ Holy (Bleep)… how did they get a hold of_ that_ photo from our Bavarian retreat? Never mind that… My other colleague, who incidentally happens to hold a minor title, is slightly confused about his orientation, as evidenced by a photo of him and a blond chit of a boy caught in a rather suggestive position. I will now proceed to describe in sordid detail… Flamberg is kissing, I repeat, kissing…

_Radu:_ (Calling in) Dietrich! If it is that photograph you filched from my PC, it's from the Charity Pageant back when we were in the Academy Drama Club. I and my friend were acting in _Anthony and Cleopatra_. And we weren't exactly kissing. It's a camera trick.

_Dietrich:_ So that explains your kooky ancient Egyptian get-up and mascara… Well, you seem to be enjoying it…

_Radu:_ I certainly didn't enjoy it. We were a little short of hands that year for the play. They hauled me up for the role as Cleopatra after our leading lady, the bitch from Kiev, skipped town for some tête-à-tête with her fiancé on the shores of the Black Sea.

_Dietrich:_ Oh, Flamberg… Is it true that you were sneaking about the dressing room of the said bitch? And that you have a thing for lacy lingerie?

_Radu:_ (Bleeping-Bleep!) I certainly do NOT have a thing for women's undergarments!

_Dietrich:_ Oh good then. You don't want listeners to question the manliness of our company…

_Radu:_ At least I don't serve poisoned beer at the Oktoberfest in a Bavarian waitress' uniform…(bleeping) Terran peasant! (makes mental note to destroy all pics from the Academy yearbooks featuring _Anthony and Cleopatra._ )

_Dietrich:_ Oh, Flamberg, that golden bra you were as Cleo, really goes with that green eyeliner… (hangs up) I have tried to dig up some dirt on our other members. I am sure you all would like to know if Suzanne is really a lesbian or if Reiz is dating a German Shepherd crossbreed… Sadly, I am obliged to help you, faithful listeners, with your problems. So please call in.

_Ex-yeniceri:_ Um.. hello (looks around nervously) Mr. Dietrich, I did what you said, and it didn't work, she wouldn't listen to me, so I thought if I started the rebellion on my own ... but that didn't work as well, and now she's really, really angry with me ... she's been reading a lot of books on torture of late, and muttering darkly ... Is that a good sign?? You think I'll be able to impress her if I find us a good job? Know anyone who needs an assassin? (Sounds in the background: _WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING NOW_!!")Eep ...

_Dietrich:_ How fascinating… Perhaps you would like to try escaping her clutches before she kills you? We have no openings for assassins, however, we have an opening for a fake relic-maker. Anyone wants to take up the challenge of crafting some saintly relics to make monkeys out of the Vatican? Please write in to Düsseldorf PO Box 13. Attention to Isaak.

_Mazda Kitsune:_ Ah... peace and quiet at last... (sounds of waves in the background) Hello to all at the RCO! Dietrich, I hope you're enjoying the company of Reiz and my Werewolf as Isaak said you would... I'm just calling in to send my regards to a certain convict from the Vatican. I hope he's happy with what remains of his beloved bazooka. Toss a disk at me again, and this time I'll make sure your weapon's destroyed for good! (Resumes sipping wine next to the sea)

_Dietrich:_ You sent me that Were? Okay… (thinks of ways to get even) I apologize but that were is no more as Reiz mistook him for a threat to Isaak's health, no small thanks to me. Since you sound like you have no problems, we can stop cluttering the airwaves.

_Cuckolded: _My wife of seven years is seeing a younger man behind my back and making out in my castle dungeons! Help! I feel so mad. But divorce is outta the question as it will make me the biggest laughingstock in Methuselah high-society for the next 200 years!

_Dietrich:_ Don't get mad, get even… I recommend you present your wife and her lover-boy with silver bullets from a firearm. All's fair in love and war, no?

_IxD yaoi fangirl_: Dietrich, I have a very personal question to ask… When you and Isaak make out, do you prefer doing it in a bed or elsewhere? Who's the dominant one? Do you dress-up in kinky costumes? We yaoi fangirls want to hear all the sordid details!

_Dietrich:_ What the? No! We don't make out in bed or elsewhere! Don't you have anything better to do with your time? Go fly a kite or something! Next call!

_Yaoi fangirl 2_: Dietrich, is it true that you are secretly in love with Flamberg?

_Dietrich_: No way! I do NOT like men that way. I have a girlfriend back in Istvan and her name's Esther.

_Yaoi fangirl 2_: I kinda expected that from you but you can't expect us to believe you, do you? Do you, Isaak and Radu carry out a threesome behind Cain's back?

_Dietrich:_ NO! (slams phone down) Next call!

_Yaoi-fangirl 3:_ Di, I think you are in denial… I mean, the nights spent in Isaak's chambers…

_Dietrich:_ NO! I am not and never call me Di. That's all for tonight! I am not receiving any more such calls from crazed fangirls! I am taking the next train to Venice for the carnival and finding myself some nice girls for a night of fun and excitement. This is Dietrich signing off and moving out!

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

Attack of the fangirls. Please read and review. I guess Di will be off the airways for a while.


	12. Session 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Dietrich is away. Isaak and Cain to host?

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 12**

_Isaak: _What? Di went to a Venetian casino and did what? (Bleep) Tell that no-good runt I am not going to settle those (bleeping-bleep) gambling debts he has racked up. He can work his sorry ass off polishing chips or something. No, I will not mind if you sell him off to the gay brothel down the road or the Venetian yaoi fangirls club. Good night! (hangs up call from Venice.) The nerve of that (bleep-bleep). And Flamberg is stuck on Imperial business too. Guess I should just go to the opera or something tonight…

_Suzanne:_ Er, sorry to intrude, sir. You are on the air. And Master is on his way to co-host… And he wants some words with you…

_Isaak: _Thank you, Suzanne. (Cain enters) Good evening, my Lord. What have I done to deserve this rare pleasure of your august presence (delivered in a slightly mocking tone)

_Cain:_ My feet are somewhere down the hallway. Suzanne, be a dear and fetch them so Isaak here can rectify some defects in my previous treatment. Are we on the air? Good. Where's Di?

_Isaak:_ Racking up a huge gambling debt in some Venetian casino.

_Cain: _Oh, interesting. I suppose we are expected to bail him out? No, I think we'll let him stew for a while. Do read the news. I believe there's something up in Venice, beside Dietrich.

_Isaak: __Ja._ Venetian authorities report an increase in violent crimes. There has been a twofold increase in murders, a threefold increase in rape, and in burglary, muggings and assault. Not very promising for a city set to receive his Holy Popey-ness, no? The city is throwing a bigger carnival party to celebrate the recovery of some dusty bones of some dead guy. Guess the party is a good excuse to sin and be merry. (snicker)

_Cain:_ On the Vatican front, Cardinal Sofraz has left on her diplomatic tour of East Europe hurriedly after her brother suddenly took ill. Cardinal Francesco's doctors suspect he was suffering from food-poisoning from a gift of tea leaves from his sister. By the way, I am actively seeking out a certain silver-haired priest. Abel, if you are listening, I was a tad disappointed you got yourself K.O-ed by Isaak in that basilica and got laid up for a month. I am really hoping we can pick up where we left off 900 years ago… Have you been feeding well recently? Maybe I can send you a vintage of vampire blood… (looks meaningfully at Isaak) if you say please…

_Isaak:_ (hurriedly changes topic) Dear listeners, it is time for you call in and seek assistance for your troubles. I am a trained professional counsellor with a degree in social services and psychology from the renowned Albion University.

_Cain: _Didn't you get expelled from there some years back?

_General Zargon:_ Hey, it turns out that I didn't need to stage a bank robbery, because someone put a bomb in my house. I heard the bomb beeping and grabbed my fiance, dragged her out of the house, and managed to get far enough away from the house just as it exploded! Fortunately, my mother-in-law was coming up the walkway when it happened and now she'd pressuring me to move up the wedding date. Now me and my fiancée, soon-to-be-wife, are having a disagreement on which colour roses to use, I'm leaning towards the red roses but my fiancée says we should use the white ones to go with the dress. What colour do you think we should use?

_Cain:_ White, definitely white. White is the colour of purity. I love white. When we are done killing off all humankind and burning this stinking planet, I want to have a nice white house with white fluffy rabbits I can blast to itty-bitty pieces whenever I feel like it, just like what I did to my brother's puppy then.

_Isaak: _Black. Black is classy. I like my red stuff in a glass and my white flesh in bed.

_Cain: _So you were doing Di all this while… I never thought you swing that way.

_Isaak: _What? (spluttering) I am NOT doing that brat! I pick up ladies from the opera and (realizes he has spilled the beans)… oh (bleep)

_Cain:_ Isaak, after this we will have a nice chat about your one-night stands and those dead ladies that pop up in the morning on the street outside. Next call's coming in…

_Firey-Moonlight:_ Torture was out of the question, though I think someone by the name of Mazda Kitsune dealt with the convict that turned my own partner against me. My regards to you if you are listening. Anyways, RCO, after the fiasco I returned home...to find my place trashed. Evidence that the Inquisition Squad was sent in, its one thing to get back at an individual convict, but how the heck does one get back at a whole army? Any ideas on this one?

_Isaak: _How quaint. Maybe we should start a support group for our listeners, seeing you are supporting each other.

_Cain:_ If we have a couple of you, I think you may have a fighting chance against the army. Or maybe not.

_Radu:_ (calls in using a voice-changing device) Allo? Ah'm juz some-un ye don't know calling in. Ya see, ah got this best chum and the blokes employing me want me to waste him. So bob, you see my little problem? Me bosses are gonna be mad at me if I don't waste me pal… You got any swell ideas, ja?

_Isaak: _Flamberg, drop the lousy accents. I can recognize your voice, even with that fancy gizmo. Quit the sentimentality and waste your chum as you so eloquently put it.

_Radu:_ (Bleep) Goodbye. (Hangs up and makes note never ever to buy any more gadgets from Professor WWW's ebay site.)

_Asta: _Hello? You sound more intelligent than that host named Flamberg. I am hoping you will be able to help me with a sensitive issue.

_Isaak:_ Fraulein, how may I assist you? Matters of the heart？If it is about matters of a feminine nature, I may get my female colleague…

_Asta:_ Hardly. You see, my folks packed me off to Venice. And they set me up with a (bleep-bleeping) chaperon! It is carnival season for crying out loud! I can't drink, can't party and I'm so mad, I wanna kick butt. But my folks will flip if I kick my whiney chaperon's (bleep) butt.

_Isaak: _Go out on the street and kick the other party-goers' butts. If your care-taker objects, you could ask other folks to kick his butt on your behalf.

_Lady Assassen27:_ Hello, how are you'll? So the little idiot left ... seems he thought I was going to kill him or something (laughs) I was going to actually. So well thanks Dietrich, for whatever to said to him, and to show my gratitude for getting the little pest to leave, I'll kill the next person for you free of charge.

_Cain: _Seth for dropping me from that space station. Send me her head when you're done.

_Isaak:_ Only one? (fishes out a mile-long list) Let's see… I could start with my old college rival, Weenie Willie Wordsworth.

_Suzanne: _Dietrich. (storms in the studio waving a voodoo doll of Dietrich with pins sticking out of it) The little bastard stole my poor biplane to go to Venice and chopped it up for sale as spare parts!

_Dietrich: _(calling in) Hello? Are you guys going to bail me out? I need cash here.

_All: _In your dreams!

_Isaak: _Di, be creative. You should be able to figure this one out. That's all for tonight.

* * *

**Auhtor's Notes: **

Radu has no luck, has he? I hope you folks can make out what he was trying to ask Isaak. I used a mix of very different accents. Isaak and William did have some rivalry from their school-days in Albion U in the novel.


	13. Session 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Ibelis arc. Dietrich is back… Radu fans, this may be a good time to leave the room…

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 13**

_Dietrich:_ Good evening, folks… I trust you are still having a very good evening in Cartago despite having the Inquisition airships prowling the skies above… Welcome to RCO hour. I will be your host for this evening. I must say that my little visit to Venice was not really up to my expectations…

_Radu:_ Oh, I heard you were too busy working at a certain establishment of dubious repute because of your gambling debts to enjoy the carnival… Ack! (gets slammed into the catacomb wall by Dietrich's wires)

_Dietrich:_ A minor inconvenience.

_Radu:_ No surprise since everyone knows you and Isaak… Ack! (Starts choking as Dietrich tightens his wires)

_Dietrich_: I hear vampires are highly flexible… Let's try out some relaxing yoga positions… (Starts forcing Radu into really, really painful yoga positions)

_Radu:_ Argh! Ow! You are still mad at me for the knout, right?

_Dietrich:_ Gee, you are right, Flamberg… How surprising. Where was I? Right, the news. The Vatican has sent their dogs to impose Inquisition rule in the city of Cartago. Do you know how we came to be in this debacle? The Duchess of Milan was on a so-called diplomatic visit to Cartago. But of course we all know it is just her cover to indulge in some old-fashioned sin with blond baby-faced Methuselahs. I was surprised you didn't join them for a threesome…

_Radu:_ You are a little prev…

_Dietrich:_ Thanks for the compliment… (Climbs onto Radu's lap and takes out a nasty-looking silver dagger) Now, what parts should we remove? An eye, a nose…your appendix? Or maybe a kidney? Or some things further south… (starts slowly cutting open Radu's shirt)

_Isaak:_ (calls in) Dietrich, work first, play later. Much, _much _later if you know what's good for you…

_Dietrich:_ What? This coming from someone who messed up in Rome because he was busy cozying up to a blond? (gets off Radu all the same) Ah well… Back to the news. Our dear duchess obviously forgot to inform her manservant of her night-time visitor and a gunfight erupted in the embassy when their little fireworks display set off the fire alarms… Then her scandalized brother sets a fleet of armed chaperons to keep his sister from fooling about. 'Get thee to a nunnery' is probably the next course of action from Duke Medici with regards to his sister. But then again, we know nunneries aren't exactly the pristine havens they claim to be… Let me tell you about a certain hot foxy sister I dallied with in Istvan… (pours himself a drink)

_Radu_: I heard that one before, fibber. Didn't you get blown off? Ack! (gets choked again)

_Dietrich:_ Vampires! When will they ever learn? (rolls his eyes in mock exasperation) I think it is time for the calls to come in…

_Devil-Angel:_ Recently I've been hearing a lot about a certain baron. And whoa... I just gotta say if he's not going to marry that (bleep) daughter of that stupid duke, can I marry him instead? I swear I'm not a fangirl! And my father's a duke too so THERE. And Isaak, you rock. Keep torturing Dietrich, it's so delicious. Oh, wait, I just got an idea! Can I join the RCO too? You guys sound like you have SO much fun!! I bet I'd make a much better puppet master than Di and I can make cookies! Radu, call me!

_Dietrich:_ (twitch) There can be only one Marionettespielger (Puppet Master) and you do realise you have seriously earned yourself a top spot on my list of folks to torture, right after Isaak and Flamberg. I can bake cookies too.

_Radu:_ Your cookies are poison! Just like the beer you tried to slip us… Argh! (gets slammed into the wall repeatedly)

_Dietrich:_ I am sorry, caller, Radu is a tad busy with a wall to screw about with anyone… Next!

_Lady Assassen27:_ Wow. You guys sure have a lot of people you wanna kill ... Hehe. But I did offer to kill only one person for free ... so, Suzanne, i'm sorry I can't kill Dietrich, coz I kinda owe him for getting rid of that little pest. And Lord Cain, really sorry about you being dropped form a space station and all, that must have hurt, ouch, but I don't know who this 'Seth' is, otherwise I would gladly send you her ... um head. Now Isaak, I assume you're talking about Professor W.W.Wordsworth from the Vatican, if your not, please tell me who this 'Weenie Willie' is. I would hate to kill the wrong person, especially if said person is form the Vatican, their just bloody annoyingly hard to kill.

_Dietrich:_ (dumps Radu in the dust) Well, well…. I guess Susie is gonna lose another of her precious babies. Let's go for her Stuka dive-bomber this time… (snicker). I know of a nice car-crusher nearby… I don't know about Master Cain, but I wouldn't be too surprised if Seth turns out to be a disgruntled ex-wife. You must admit, he has problems keeping his parts to himself. Isaak definitely meant that Professor, the same chap who bested him in the university and in love. He is such a sore loser.

(Reiz strolls in)

_Dietrich:_ Hi, Reiz, I thought you were in Antwerp… What's this? (Reiz hands him a note) Something from your Master? (reads) Dear Dietrich, I am not amused by the wanton circulation of my geeky college yearbook photos. Therefore, I am sending Reiz to convey my displeasure… Agh! (Sounds of snarls and growls) Lemme go! Argh! Aieee!

_Radu: _(finally free from Di's wires) Well, I guess that is all for tonight. I am enjoying the show. (watching a werewolf savage Dietrich)

_Isaak:_ (calling in) Flamberg, don't you have something to see to? Before I ask Reiz to inspire you to action? (menacing hint)

_Radu:_ Yes sir. On my way, sir. (rushes out)

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

This is probably the last time we will hear from Radu, sadly.


	14. Session 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

I suppose if baking is one of the RCO's hobbies, Radu could be of use when the oven is out of order. Too bad Radu is not himself at the moment, so…

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 14**

_Radu:_ Test-testing, one, two… Dear listeners. I am a shameless pervert who pinches women's undergarments and molests young blond boys. My IQ is so low because my mother had an affair with a flea-bitten mutt. I stink like a pig-pen and I…

_Isaak:_ Dietrich, quit playing ventriloquist and get over here. We are short-handed and I am not doing this show with a puppet!

_Dietrich:_ Phooey. (shoves Radu-puppet into a broom closet) How'd you rate his voice?

_Isaak:_ Passable. Patch up those nasty burns. He's falling apart worse than Mein Herr.

_Dietrich:_ It's mighty inconsiderate of him to get toasted like that. His vital signs are stable for now. Normally I would like to kill him and get it over with, but you know he wouldn't keep in this heat, unless of course, you didn't mind helping me with…

_Isaak: _Shut up, boy, and get us on air. Good evening all. Please kindly forgive my co-host for his shenanigans, even if I wouldn't (sets shadow demons to savaging Dietrich) Sic him. Playing with corpses, or near-corpses, is so vulgar… (Runs video-cam)

_Dietrich: _Argh! Get them off me! Get them off! Not the pants! NO! ARGH!

_Isaak:_ You will get a cut of the profits from this video, Di. Enough to cover those medical bills when we're done. So scream for the cameras. We'll release this under the title, 'Rampage of the Shadows' (More screams and curses from Dietrich) We may have to cut out the more explicit bits.

_Cain:_ (entering) Filming again? Having your shadow minions rough him up this time, are we? And on air too. Ah well, you will star as a corpse in the next RCO production unless you get back to work. (Raises arm towards Isaak)

_Isaak: _Yes, my Lord. (Cough and dismisses his minions) Dear all, now for the news...

_Cain: _Good boy. (Confiscates tapes) I don't want any complaints from the censorship board. Blasting the last lot who tried to cancel our broadcast license is so messy… (leaves)

_Isaak: _In Cartago, the official sources suspect a terrorist attack on the Vatican embassy when a massive explosion occurred on its doorstep. Another theory is a mutiny in the Inquisition ranks. This will not be the first time we have dissents in the Church. Also, Inquissie air ships ran riot over the city before exploding. Faulty equipment is suspect… (Sneaks a peek to make sure Cain is out of earshot) Drat! There goes my biggest shot at the Oscars.

_Dietrich:_ You? How about me? I'm the one who needs medical help here… (limps to his feet)

_Isaak:_ Watch it. We don't want you bleeding on the carpet. This place is a rental after all. Back to the news. Military law has been lifted from Cartago with the withdrawal of Inquisition forces. Still, Cartagians are expected to remain firmly under Vatican control despite recent advances in their path towards independence from the Church. The city has been under self rule before the recent fiasco with the cardinal's diplomatic jaunt. The recent Cartago Council had an near-overwhelming vote in favour of the withdrawal of all Vatican control.

_Dietrich:_ Of course, we all know the Holy Church rarely encourages freedom. I suspect the Duchess' stop in the free city has to do more with sampling sin than diplomatic duties.

_Isaak:_ Unconfirmed rumours allege that the Duchess of Milan, Cardinal Caterina has met secretly with a youthful blond member of the Cartago Council known to support Vatican involvement in the city. Pro-Vatican parties in Cartago insist that the Vatican is an essential stabilizing force in the volatile region. Conservative party leader Emir Saladin accused fellow councillor Benjamin al-Shalom of betraying the Council by holding secret negotiations with the cardinal. Allegations which al-Shalom has steadfastly denied.

_Dietrich:_ Politics are so murky, don't you think so? Maybe this al-Shalom was the cardinal's mystery lover. He is blond and girlish-looking…

_Isaak_: (murmuring) Look who's talking.

_Dietrich_: What say we take a break from speculating who has been crawling under the Duchess' skirts and other filthy politics and get to our favourite part of the programme? Callers, you may call in.

_Slothspieller:_ Dietrich, you're my role model! Since you proclaimed that there can only be one Marionettespieller, how do you feel about the existence of a Slothspieller? Even if you can bake cookies, I can make TORTILLAS!

_Dietrich: _Gee, thanks… I think… I don't mind a Slothspieller out there, so long as you don't try muscling on my post in the Orden. (Isaak makes gagging sound in the background)

_Devil-Angel:_ Oh, my God, I am SO honoured, Di, really, I am. I get to be on a list with my dear Flamberg! (hearts) And I really don't mind being tortured by you, if you know what I mean... Hohoho... Are you sure you can bake, Di? We could have a competition, mwahahaha! I bet I'll so own you! And Isaak, what doom are you bringing my Radu to? Dietrich, if you're helping Isaak to kill Radu, I just might attack you! And can somebody give me a video of Di getting tortured and maimed by Reiz?

_Isaak:_ A minor correction here. WE provided Flamberg with all the know-how and gizmos to get the job done and he still blew it big-time. We are not responsible for him being a wimp about killing his ex-best pal. By the way, Mein Herr has posted those videos on the Orden's website for public viewing.

_Dietrich: _Dear caller, torturing you will definitely make my day. (Yells at Isaak) Isaak! You promised to get rid of those tapes. (lashes out with wires)

_Isaak:_ Trust me, Di. You don't want to make me mad… (starts summoning Arrow of Belial lightning ball)

_MazdaKitsune:_ Dietrich! Hey, Di! Guess what? I think I saw you in Istvan before! Lemme see... (sound of pages flipping) Um, yeah, if I'm not wrong... you have, er... a nice feminine face and really soft brown hair… and you were wearing a nun's outfit... It says here in a note that came with the picture. A long, black haired man passed it to me for some reason... Why were you wearing a nun's outfit? (Stares hard at the picture)

_Isaak: _I got it off the Orden's public website. The number of hits on our site went through the roof once that was posted.

_Dietrich:_ (Bleeping) holy cow! Who posted a photoshopped picture of me in_ that_? I'm going to take that off right away. (leaves the room. Muffled laughing coming from closet where Radu's currently stashed)

_LadyAssassen27:_ I know I was supposed to be killing a certain Professor, but said professor has a gunslinging android as a bodyguard, and getting shot with silver bullets is not my cup of tea. Anyway, i've been feeling kind of lonely lately, I guess being an Assassin, does have its down side ... know where I can find some intelligent company that I wouldn't want to kill?

_Isaak: _Ma'am, we all get lonely at times. If you happen to be in Munich anytime next week, perhaps we can enjoy an evening of Wagner's _Dies Valkyries_. Then after the opera, I am sure we can find a nice cosy corner to discuss the permanent removal of an annoying twerp of a priest and recruiting that said android for our own twisted purposes.

_Emir Saladin: _You chaps are dead-on regarding the Vatican's greedy designs on our land. I am sure that reformist twerp al-Shalom or his bitchy cousin has been meeting with the enemy! My followers have been getting a tad aggressive and are calling to lynch the al-Shaloms. Should I allow them to vent their emotions? Or should I urge restraint? I don't think the Council should be breaking up at this crucial time…

_Isaak:_ Look here. This is a crucial time, isn't it? Don't you want to make a contribution to the removal of Vatican influences in Cartago? Especially since rumours have it the al-Shaloms have sold you out to the church?

_Emir Saladin: _They did what? Well, my warriors, let's go to war with those dogs for freedom! (Roars of approval and war-cries)

_Dietrich:_ Hey, Isaak, I have just received news that someone lynched the cousin of the Reformist party leader in Cartago. So her cousin firebombs his political rival's family home. There are riots in the streets and stuff! Cool! And Suzanne reports a huge sandstorm headed for Cartago. But listen to this, no one cares because they are too busy killing each other.

_Isaak: _There goes the Middle East. You are enjoying this, aren't you, my little ghoul?

_Dietrich: _Naturally. That's all for tonight, I wanna get me some souvenirs before the sandstorm hits… (runs out)

_Isaak: _Goodnight, listeners. I must ready our airship to leave.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

Dietrich is such a ghoul. Playing with poor Radu. At least Radu got his back with the photoshop. Some lucky caller has received an invitation to the opera from Panzer Magier. I appear to have given Isaak a fondness for opera and classical music in this particular fic.


	15. Session 15

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Night at the opera anyone? The RCO reviewers are in. A reviewer suggested Wagner's Lohengrin would be Isaak's preferred opera. Personally, I am not much of an opera or Wagner fan. So here goes...

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 15 **

_Suzanne:_ Telegram from Mein Herr. We have to do reviews on the operas for the Munich Opera House for them to continue sponsoring our programme.

_Isaak: Danke_ Fräulein Suzanne. I can live with that. Last night's _Lohengrin_ was magnificent, wasn't it, Di? Until you saw fit to start a riot, you vulgar peasant brat… (picks Dietrich up by his lapels) What possessed you to drive a flock of cankerous geese on stage during the _Bridal March_?

_Dietrich:_ I was bored. I thought active participation will help, but swans were hard to get on short notice... At least we still have their sponsorship. Let's get on with it, Panzer Magier. (takes the telegram from Suzanne) What the (bleep)! We have to do a review on _Lohengrin _and play the _Hallelujah _bit from next week's _Messiah_.

_Isaak:_ The irony of it.

(Suzanne leaves the studio)

_Dietrich:_ _Guten Abend_, listeners. Welcome once more to RCO Radio Hour. First, the news. On the Vatican front, the Pope has requested his cardinals to refrain from using force of voice or arms during budget meetings. After last year's budget meeting resulted in two of the cardinals admitted to the local ER. To everyone's dismay, Cardinals Francesco and Caterina resorted to the name-calling via note-passing.

_Isaak:_ Now we know why the Vatican budget's always in the red. From Byzantium, the Imperial court mourns the passing of a high-ranking noblewoman. The Duchess of Moldova was killed by an explosion in her home. The Duchess was Head of the Imperial Secret Service and was known to have numerous enemies. Investigators are at a loss as to where to start. Rumours allege that the duchess' estranged grandson may be implicated in her death.

_Dietrich:_ In Berlin, Methuselah crypts continue to be vandalized and looted for spare parts…

_Isaak:_ Di, you know I told you to lay off my family crypt…

_Dietrich:_ Do YOU wish to volunteer those spare parts? I need a spleen, some guts…

_Isaak:_ Let's just get on with the programme. The weather in Germanius is expected to be rainy over the next week with the cold front coming in. Byzantines can expect sunny weather and clear skies. And they better have their fancy anti-UV Wall up.

_Dietrich: _Before the sponsors' review, we will have our call in segment. Call in, folks!

_Suleyman: _Er, I have a teensy problem. My future son-in-law's acting weird. I mean, he isn't acting like himself at all since he came back from his trip. It's like I have two different Barvons here. It is a crucial point in our business now and I am not sure if he can be relied on.

_Dietrich:_ (scribbling notes) Trust Barvon just a bit more. The new and improved Radu may be more suited to your scheme than the wimp he was before. I mean, has he let you down yet with killing that bitch and setting her nancy-boy grand-brat to take the fall?

_Suleyman:_ How the hell did you know about our scheme?

_Isaak: _We sold it to you, remember? D.I.Y. Treason Plot Guide Version 3? Now hang up before the Yeniceri tune in. Next call!

_MazdaKitsune:_ You know, I've been wondering about that little rush in at Cartago recently. The main guy looks like that blue haired Inquisitor my cousin tried getting her "Shadow Minions" to eat... and then I THINK I saw Flamberg and his fire... though I must admit, his control is spectacular. Okay, I'm ranting and I'm kinda bored. Dietrich, can we go out for tea one day? We can discuss those nice pictures I got off the site... (Grins and rifles through some nice Photoshopped pictures)

_Dietrich: _NO! I don't do tea with fangirls. Maybe my AutoJaggers can play with you instead.

_Devil-Angel:_ You know, I was walking by the river the other day... when this huge, ugly, freakish mutation of a being suddenly poked its head out of the water. It looks very familiar, oh, yeah, that was one of your Autojaggers, Di. Right now, I'm installing a chip in its brain to stalk you (with a built in camera in its eye). Mwahahaha. And who says Radu is a wimp! Your gizmos must be dysfunctional and when have you ever given good advice! Radu, I'll rescue you, just wait for me! And oh, the site was amazing, I loved it. Thanks Mein Herr!

_Isaak: _I warned you that littering will come back to haunt you, didn't I, Di? Glad someone liked our website. By the way, our gizmos are the very best of the Lost Technology. If you can find any better, we would like to have you on our team. And I am a trained counsellor and consultant in the area of plotting. Can you top that?

(Dietrich makes note to never, ever dump used AutoJaggers in random rivers)

_Isaak: _On with the opera reviews… The Munich Opera Society has done justice to this season's opening night of Wagner's _Lohengrin. _Herr Boris Shultzmeier has exceeded himself as Lohengrin. Frau Lisette von Holtz has lived up to her reputation as the best soprano in Germanius with her re-emergence on stage as the tragic princess Elsa. Indeed, her long absence from the opera stage and disastrous divorce has done little to diminish her standing. This is in spite of the interruption in the last Act, courtesy of Dietrich here. Oh, by the way, Frau Holtz requests that I discipline my little protégée. So we will close tonight's RCO Hour with the _Hallelujah _chorus from Handel's _Messiah_.

_Dietrich: _Er, Isaak, can we talk this over… Argh! Not again! (gets attacked by shadow minions)

_Isaak: _Ah, music to my ears… (Strains of Hallelujah chorus with Di screaming in the background)

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Some German phrases:

Guten Abend - German for 'Good evening'

Danke – Thank you


	16. Session 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

The yaoi fanboys have already been making their attack on the guys, though not as overt as the fangirls. Oh, beware of Isaak's advice. The Orden will not be responsible for any crimes commited or punishment incurred from following their advice.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 16**

_Isaak: _Good evening all. Welcome to RCO Radio Hour. I, Isaak, will be your host this evening, so Dietrich is, erm, rather pre-occupied with some pressing matters. (stops as Cain comes in)

_Cain: _Isaak, has that sorry little brat reported back yet? Or is he too busy screwing about with my sister's court? Oh, has the show started already? Good evening all… Welcome to our special show. Since I'm still mad at s certain puppeteer for wantonly chopping up various members of the Orden for spare bits before I ran out of use for them, we will be having a special on his sorry life, starting from when he seduced his local priest at the age of six…

_Dietrich: _(calling in) That's a lie! A bare-faced lie! I never had any carnal relations with the stinky pervert. (Pauses) well, not voluntarily anyhow…

_Cain: _And wasn't the reason why your father tried to kill you because he walked in on you two doing it? The report here seems to suggest active participation on your part, Di. My, my, what a naughty boy you were.

_Isaak: _(murmuring) Counselling, Mein-Herr style or mind-rape. (out loud) Why don't you two take this little counselling session off-air? Oh are we finally going to entertain those request letters from the elusive yaoi fanboys in the Vatican's penal system? Would it be necessary to volunteer that bit about his stint in that Venetian gay brothel?

_Dietrich_: Magier, please stay out of my personal affairs.

_Isaak:_ Affairs? Interesting choice of words… (snicker)

_Cain:_ Suzanne has reported that you have been receiving little gifts from your gentlemen clients from Venice… Obviously, you were a good romp in the sheets. Here's an excerpt from a love letter… _Dear Di, I miss holding you in my arms… those nights of kisses and tears… _

_Dietrich:_ (flushing furiously) It was your fault for not bailing me out of that casino debt! Excuse me, I need to mess with someone's mind, namely Radu's little pal. (Hangs up)

_Cain: _That was mildly entertaining. Isaak, you have permission to proceed with the news while I go celebrate my sister's pending demise… (leaves)Suzanne! Get out my vintage wine and prepare my bath!

_Isaak_: Yes, my lord. Our top news item for this evening. The Imperial court declares a 3 day period of mourning for the late Duchess of Moldova, Mirka Fortuna. The duchess was a close confidant of the Empress. The Imperial Waterway Police will be out in force in anticipation of the droves of nobles who are expected cross the Lake of Silence to pay their respects on the Island of Her Sleeping Children. (pause) what kind of names are those anyhow? The Empress will be presiding over the funeral on the third day, a rare honour that has only been conferred twice in the Empire's history. Obviously, she has better things to do than give soppy eulogies. Weather report now. The weather is expected to be sunny, sunny and more sunny… (shudder)

_Suzanne:_ (coming in) Herr Isaak, Here's the latest news from Albion. That old bitch-queen's been diagnosed as on her last legs. (hands newssheet to Isaak)

_Isaak:_ (flips through) Well, well, this opens up some opportunities for us in Albion. How does a RCO branch there sound?

_Suzanne: _Sir, allow me to remind you that you are still an exile from Albion after that disaster in Albion University.

_Isaak: _Thank you, Suzanne. We'll see about that, wouldn't we? Go try to get that battleship fixed. (Suzanne leaves) Back to the news, Queen Brigit II of Albion has been diagnosed as terminally ill. She is not expected to live another year. The old chaps at Westminster will have a hell of a time trying to find a decent line of success given the Queen's an only child and her only offspring was killed fifteen years ago in a terrorist attack. Listeners, you are welcome to call in.

_LadyAssassin27:_ Good evening, Man I've been busy this week, finally found a few jobs, sorry about not being able to make it to Munich, I don't think blood stained clothes are appropriate attire for an Opera. Actually about that ... um ... another time maybe, coffee or something? (blush) Actually the thing is, My Sister called (la shock) and she wants to visit, she says she wants to speak with me ... I bet about some stupid family business (tch) anyway the problem is the family don't know what I do for a living ... how am I supposed to hide my profession form her, and secondly, any recommendation on what to take so I can deal with a week of having my sister around.

_Isaak: _Oh, nice to hear from you. Actually, bloodstained clothes would have blended right in this week at the Munich Opera since Master Cain took offence at the Messiah opera. Anyway, since the Munich Opera Company is no longer in existence, I will not be inviting you to any operas. However, we can always have a drink at my place. About your sister, would killing her be an option? That way, you don't have to worry about having her around the house and your folks finding out about your profession.

_Dragonluv13:_ k I'm having some domestic issues with my cat. I've had the thing for a year and it still rips me apart! And the stupid thing's always getting outside, so it's no like I can declaw the monster. please, any advice to get my azshara cat to stop scratching! I'm surprised I haven't bled to death!

_Isaak: _Your relationship with the cat is strangely reminiscent of many in the Orden. Normally, to keep Flamberg from clawing out his innards, Dietrich ties him up with wires. Have the cat caged, splayed, neutered, declawed or if all else fails, get rid of the cat for a goldfish.

_Devil-Angel:_ Aha! I found ANOTHER Autojagger! But this one's broken, it won't stop dancing to the Hallelujah song. Oh, well, I'll just dismantle it. You need spleen and guts, right, Di? I'll send them over to you. And Isaak, I bet I make a better hacker than Di anytime. Is that an offer of invitation?! Once I locate your location, I'll come over and be on your team! Mwahaha, wait for me, Dietrich! I won't fight with Isaak over the plotting thing. Isaak is The Master. (laughs)

_Isaak: _As much I would like to accept your offer, I am under strict orders not to reveal out current location by Master Cain. You may keep the guts. Di has more than enough parts from raiding the Imperial crypts and the recent retrenchment drive in the Orden.

_Suzanne: _Heads up, Sir! Dietrich's offloading another cart of body parts into the hold! (Sloppy sounds)

_Isaak:_ Whose (bleep-BLEEP) bright idea was it to set up in a barge? (climbing out of a pile of guts and other assorted body parts)

_MazdaKitsune:_ Dietrich, thanks for those "nice" AutoJaggers you sent via RCO airmail... One or two would've been nice, but to have five or a dozen of them come crashing into your bedroom with a murderous intent at midnight is a bit much, don't you think? Rest assured, you'll be getting most of them back, not necessarily intact, while I keep two for... reasons. (Annoyed look)

_Isaak:_ Keep them, keep them all! We are awash with dismembered body parts here so Di better make full use of them. That's all for tonight.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

Just go with the de-clawing the cat.


	17. Session 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Look out for college insults on the airwaves and imperial scandals galore. And a cardinal calls in…

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 17**

_Cain: _Dear listeners, welcome to another episode of RCO Radio Hour. On with the news, Isaak…

_Isaak: _Yes, my Lord. First, our top story. The Yeniceri has issued a warrant of arrest for Ion Fortuna, preferably alive so he can be subjected to the tender mercies of the Imperial torturer. The Count of Memphis is expected to be stripped of his title if proved that he has been implicated in his grandmother's death and the deaths of various servants. Duke Baybars of the Yeniceri is considering adding an additional charge of resisting arrest. Fortuna's former partner, the Baron of Luxor has brought forward more tantalisingly scandalous allegations of high treason and sleeping with the enemy… More scandals in the Imperial court, a certain blond duchess is alleged to be involved romantically with her new servant, a bespectacled, silver-haired man. The lady's name is Asran…

_Asta's mother: _(calling in) I wish to clarify that there is no such thing! (Radu/ Di chuckling in the background) My children have enough common sense not to get tangled up with Terran or Terran-lovers. Desist from spreading such lies about my girls, _or else!_

_Cain:_ (hangs up phone) Whatever. It's like saying the Inquisition does not hunt heretics. I hear the Asran women are very liberal in their affairs… I'm bored. Carry on while I head up to blast a couple of rare bird species into extinction… (floats out)

_Isaak: _The Byzantium annual Roof Race has turned up a surprise winner, a young girl named Augusta. The surprise result is probably due to the fact the other competitors are too busy trying to bump each other off… On the Vatican front, a random poll has proven that 75 percent of the citizens of Rome find the Inquisition's constant meddling in their lives a bother. This is the top gripe of the Holy City. A similar poll also showed that 80 percent find the Pope a wimp. 95 percent feel that letting Cardinals Caterina and Francesco have a fight to the death would bring a lasting peace to the Holy City until the Pope croaks and the Papal throne is up for grabs.

_William:_ (Calling in) Old chap, as usual, your figures are off. No surprise since you flunked Statistics. My data shows that the top gripe at 90 percent is having the likes of you muddying up the waters where it is not wanted. The Inquisition army scores a close 70 percent.

_Isaak: _Well, well, if it isn't Weenie Willie Weiner... Still crying over getting expelled? Or losing your darling Rosie?

_William: _The name's William Walter Wordsworth. And at least I completed my Ph.D. in the University of Rome. And leave Rosamund out of this!

_Isaak: _Albionian education is so over-rated. So when are you going to do me a favour by smoking yourself into lung cancer? Oh, let me tell you… your fiancée was great in the hay. Don't tell me you haven't done her in the two years of your engagement. No small wonder, Weenie Weiner, from what I recall of your limited package in the gym showers…

_William: _Why you (bleep) liar! She'll never have anything to do with you. (Slams phone down)

_Isaak_: The line is now open for you to call in.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ Life has been busy, trying to adjust to normal life after you've lived one of rogue companions and messing with Inquisition knights can be difficult. Given the chance I wouldn't, but my pa died and the children are now fighting over assents. While I'll like nothing more then to just kill them all, almost everyone knows I am most suspicious and if anyone dies I'm to blame, therefore no assets for me. Any brilliant ideas?

_Isaak: _I always believe one should capitalize on one's strong points. Ever considered a career or a hobby as an assassin?

_Icequeen:_ Evening all; Isaak, did you ever receive those photos I sent you? I hope you don't mind, but I sent them into a modeling agency, and they're interested in having you do some work for them. Think of it as fanservice/an RCO recruitment drive. The Opera 'Carmen' will be on in Albion soon. Interested in meeting up?

_Isaak:_ HA! Top that, Willie! I don't suppose anyone has approached you for a modelling stint! I have received those photos, thank you. However, I would advise against making any plans for activities in Albion in the near future.

_Devil-Angel:_ Hey, Isaak, which do you think is better. Blood red or wine red? I'm preparing for this party I'm going to in The Empire. I don't know what party it is though but I think it has something to do with the Empress. Ah, well... And why is Di always busy somewhere? Can someone tell him to stop dropping random AutoJaggers everywhere? They keep popping up around here and eating people alive. I can't sleep at night with all the screaming.

_Isaak: _I prefer a rich wine red personally. However, if you intend to spill blood on your garments, I suggest blood red to hide the stains…

_Dietrich: _Why am I always busy? (comes into room) Because there are too many people's minds I can screw up big-time in these parts. I will be refraining from losing my AutoJaggers as I am a tad short of time to manufacture more. Let's see… mess about with the Suleyman household, check… (starts plotting on terrorizing various nobles)

_Dragonluv13:_ I would love to get my cat fixed, declawed, etc, but I am presently having some money issues. Do you happen to know of any jobs in Byzantium I could do? Or should I just ditch the cat in a forest somewhere?

_Dietrich_ Just dump the critter in the Byzantium Rare Bird Sanctuary

_Francesco:_ I suspect my sneaky sister is colluding with the enemy. How can I straighten her out without setting loose a barrage of missiles from my Inquisition fleet on her offices and possibly razing the city to the ground?

_Dietrich:_ Amazing you took so long to figure that she is tangoing with vampires. If your churchman brain is advanced enough to understand, I advise you to just raze the bloody city. By the way, do you know we are a mainly vampire outfit? Hello? Guess he hung up on us… Next call!

_Mazda Kitsune:_ Dear Di, Issak told me to keep the Auto-Jaggers, but since I had done my part of destruction in cranky don't-wake-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night mode, I figured I might as well finish what I started, because I don't have room for a dozen animated puppets in my house. But I kept two for fun... Anyway, it's interesting how these things work... they seem to have a weird reaction to classical music... I wonder why.

_Dietrich: _Ah, those must be Isaak's family. The von Kampfers always had a musical streak…

_Isaak: _Di, you told me you returned my family members to their eternal rest… (Summons shadow demons) Sic him.

_Dietrich:_ I was joking! NO! Argh! (Screams as shadow demons savage him, scrambles out of the bunker)

_Assassin__'s Sister:_ Um hello, I'm visiting my sister, and I discovered this show was what her radio was tuned to ... and it scares me a little, actually my sis has been scaring me to, first of all she has a whole room full of weapons, secondly her laundry is full of blood stained clothes, do you think she's a serial killer of some sort?? Coz if she is I think she'll definitely kill me as well, coz my folks sent me to tell her that they've found someone they want her to marry, so they can elevate their status, please give me advice on how to tell her this!

_Isaak: _Are you hanging around? If you still intend to talk to her, I can refer you to Dietrich as spare parts…

_Asta: _Dear Isaak, do you have any (bleeping) idea where one Radu Barvon is? He's making me look bad by hurting my foster charge! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get on the adoption list hereabouts? I had just managed to convince the (bleep) committee that having a full-grown Siberian tigress as a house pet does not pose any danger to children and now this! Since I can't get a man to father my child, I thought I would adopt…

_Isaak:_ Lady, if adoption fails, you could always snatch a kid from the streets.

_Asta_ What? You would incite crime? You (bleep-bleep) burn in hell! (SLAM!)

_Isaak:_ Next… (looks at knocking on bunker door) Oh, the take-away must be here… (Opens door and is surprised to find a blond Methuselah noblewoman there with a large lion pride) What the…

_Asta's mother:_ Simba, sic him! That'll teach you to insult us Asrans!

_Isaak: _No! (Gets mauled) Argh! Lemme go!

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

The only reason the committee accepted the notion a tigress is a good house pet is because Asta told them so nicely with her spear. Yes, I let the Asran womenfolk be a scary bunch in this fic.


	18. Session 18

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

More treason and court intrigues afoot. The RCO loves to muddy up the waters.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 18**

_Suleyman's daughter:_ (on the phone) You (bleep) frauds! Because of your half-baked plan, both my brainless fiancé and my poor Papa are dead! And our family's getting exiled to Central Siberia. I'm gonna (bleep) have your hide!

_Dietrich:_ Lady, we included the exemption clause in the contract. We are not responsible for any deaths, imprisonment or exile arising from following our proposals for treason. Good bye. (hangs up) Now it time for another RCO…

_Isaak:_ Dietrich von Lohengrin, I hear you failed, again! How did you manage to utterly screw up such a simple plan? All because of your dear Esther… If you hadn't found it necessary to play with your little girl-friend and that blond brat…

_Cain:_ (calling in) Isaak, Dietrich, get on with the show. Slaughter each other after that! Di, screw up one more time and you will be toast. (hangs up)

_Dietrich:_ Think Mein Herr means it?

_Isaak:_ Ooo, definitely. Here's the latest news. The Empress is alive. The Head of the Imperial Secret Service, Duchess of Moldova, is alive too. Her grandson, the Count of Memphis, has been cleared f all charges of murder and treason… All rebels implicated in this latest attempt on Her August Majesty have been arrested or killed by the Yeniceri. The ringleader, Duke Suleyman, was killed while resisting arrest. The Duchess of Kiev has been nominated as ambassador-at-large. The Imperial court will be sending an envoy to Rome in the first official diplomatic visit to the city in the last 900 years. (wince)

_Dietrich:_ Ja, we are so totally screwed. But on lighter side, the Queen of Albion has been getting worse. And her people are getting a tad restless. Suppose Duke Ludwig's next in line?

_Duke Erin:_ (calling in) I am the next in line as her second cousin. That Ludwig is only a bastard on some traitor's side of the family. I would like to hire your services to remove his ill-placed ambitions… Will you be interested?

_Dietrich:_ My, my… Let's take this discussion off the air. Over to you, Isaak… (transfers the call to a separate line and leaves studio)

* * *

_Suzanne:_ (calling from outside the studio) Sir, I got Herr Ludwig on the line. He would be interested in meeting our representative tomorrow night to discuss getting his hands on a crown. Will eight o'clock be good?

_Isaak:_ Ja. And we should have enough funds to build our battleship. Now you listeners may call in…

_PikaCheeka:_ Anyway, Isaak, does your relationship with Di in ANY way involve pederasty? Some of the comments you two make are very...peculiar. You did snatch him up from the streets, after all. And have you ever played the harpsichord?

_Isaak: _It may be of interest to you to know that I don't play the harpsichord as my folks schooled me in the organ and violin as soon as I started walking. As for Di, I took him in off the streets to save him from having to beg or whore himself. I am still regretting that ill-conceived act of charity to this day.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ The only reason I've been fooling around with Inquisition Knights before was mostly because I was involved in a plot to 'overthrow' one of the Cardinals. The craziness that ensured afterwards with Knights chasing after me and my partner's betrayal ensured some second thoughts. Anyways, apparently one of my siblings DID die and like I said in the last call, everyone's blaming me. Gah, the court case is coming up and the last thing I need is lawyers questioning my background! What should I do?!

_Isaak:_ My, my… I would suggest moving far, far away from those lawyers. How does Albion sound? With luck, you'll be able to get a new identity…after everything blows over. In fact, we can offer you our New-life package, including forged documents and identity papers, all for the reasonable price of 500 dinas. Just go to our RCO website and check it out. For an additional 25 dinas, Suzanne will deliver it right to your door.

_General Zargon:_ Hey, anyone there know how to disarm an atomic bomb in under five minutes? I'm having a bit of a problem here, my sister-in-law is apparently holding a grudge from that one time I spilled pudding on her white dress...Anyway, any suggestions for disarming the bomb, or surviving if it detonates? (Electronic voice in the background: "You have five second until detonation, have a nice day.") Uh, help?

_Isaak:_ Sorry, our technical person, namely Dietrich, is busy. Please call back later…

_Dietrich:_ (returning) Isaak, I got that Duke on a string so to speak. Will you be available on next Tuesday? Or we could always…

_Vanessa:_ (calling) Dear Dietrich, my brother is a (bleep-blepp-BLEEP) who wants to keep me stifled in this helluva hole! I wanna go out and swing with all the cool cats of the Londinium pub district. Can you believe he has me grounded just because I thrashed some (bleep-bleep) on my last visit Above? Thank goodness we can still pick up your show where we're all stuck. (Butler's voice in background: Lady Vanessa… please be reasonable...) I am being reasonable! (hurls flower vase across room)

_Dietrich:_ Miss Vanessa, I will be honoured to drop by your place personally to help you. Perhaps you may show me the bright night-lights of your world… Will Friday night be good?

_Vanessa:_ I suppose that's cool by me. I know a cool joint called the Hellfire Club in Soho. I suppose we can meet there about midnight-ish when my bro's stuck on the factory night shift. Ta-ta.

_MazdaKitsune:_ I have a problem... see, there's this girl that I know, and she THINKS I'm her "friend", when in reality she's an irritating, annoying, arrogant (bleep) with a serious attitude problem. Her laugh makes me irritated, and she has a weird habit of crossing her eyes and baring her fangs to me just to make me go mad. Help! What can I do? She steals my earphones from me and uses them as if they were hers! And mind you, I have my favourite Tchaikovsky in that thing. She deleted the lot and filled it with rock music! Got any ideas on my problem?

_Isaak:_ You know, I had a similar problem with one little puppeteer. It took me about three years of setting my shadow minions on him before he learns not to touch _my _violin. I suspect your little irritant is a little allergic to sunlight, so I would recommend blasting her with a sun lamp and top it off with silver bullets. That should keep her hands off your property permanently.

_Icequeen_: Isaak, you were right not to go to 'Carmen', can you say Wash out? Honestly! I've heard parrots sing sweeter than their lead soprano! I hope that lion didn't mar your pretty face too much, it could hurt your modelling career/fan-popularity. If you want me to go after the blonde bitch just say the word and her head is yours. And a question for all you darlings of sin, if you could do one of the Vatican priests, which one?

_Dietrich:_ Isaak, I never pegged you for a cat person. Did those meanie lions hurt you? I really thought that lady was the pizza delivery. As for the record, I would love to do Esther… not a priest.

_Isaak_: So you directed her and her feline friends to me… Listener, just kill this idiot for me. (murmuring) It would be very satisfying doing that blond lunatic's brother to get back at him, except Mein Herr will probably kill me afterwards… so I'll pass.

_Cain:_ (drifts in) Did someone call me?

_Isaak and Dietrich:_ No, sir.

_Rabidfangirl:_ Isaak! Where do you get your hair done? It's stunning! And what's all these 'rumours' I've been hearing about you and Caterina Sforza? Isn't she a bit... religious for you? And the weird family... Di-chan is much more convenient. Love for Cain too! You are the smexiness!! Your brother is cute too, in a lost-puppy sort of way, but we all know who got the looks AND the brains of the family.

_Cain:_ Hello? I thought we all agreed to keep off those fangirls? And what's this about you and a cardinal?

_Isaak:_ A bad connection, sir. I crossed paths with that cardinal on the opera fan site and we started chatting. I dropped her the minute she told me she's a church-person. No chance of me getting her to join me for a post-opera drink… By the way, girl, I do my own hair with Reiz's help.

_Cain: _Oh, one more thing, keep away from MY Abel.

_Abel:_ (calling in) Cain, you sick pervert. I am not your Abel. Leave my friends alone, leave Seth alone, leave Seth's people alone… In fact, leave the world alone!

_Cain:_ Dear, dear Abel… still in denial… Wanna meet up and settle this once and for all?

_Abel:_ With pleasure… (Esther's voice in the background: Father! The train is leaving!) Wait up, Esther! Wait for me!!! (hang up)

_Cain:_ I guess I'll go out now… (leaves)

_LadyAssassin27:_ Hello all! Well sister dear found out a bit too much, so I can't let her go back to mommy and daddy, so Dietrich, would you like a new AutoJagger? I'm leaving my dear sis in a box for you in Wolfburg, (back ground voice) I'm your sister, doesn't that mean anything ... (hits box) SHUT UP!! (voice) please don't kill me. Like I was saying, keep her if you want, I have to warn you she's as annoying as hell though, maybe that will go away if she's a mindless corpse. By the way Isaak, just out of curiosity, why do you not like Dietrich making AutoJaggers out of your family members?

_Dietrich:_ Goody! I can't wait! Do you mind actually killing her first? It's so difficult to mess about with their innards when they are screaming and kicking.

_Isaak: _I may not actually like my family all that much, but I sure not having some sick Terran yanking out my late father's guts or screwing my sister's corpse. And I don't appreciate waking up to my mother's assorted body parts on my bed.

_Dietrich:_ And it is alright for you to screw your sis when she's alive? I can't really blame you. She's a beauty even when she's dead.

_Isaak_: Di… Unlike you, I am not perverted enough to contemplate incest…

_Dragonluv13_: so...sob... I got rid of the cat and (hic) she came back! So then I tried taking it to an animal shelter, but somehow it got out! Then, I dumped it on a church's doorstep, but it still came back... Please, I'm begging you take it! Let it maul Isaak for all I care, just get it away from me!(rerw) please...

_Isaak: _Send in the cat to Cain (looks out warily to booms from Cain blasting stuff outside) before he decides to blast us out of existence. (2 brown-haired pre-teen identical twins enter the room)

_Dietrich:_ Hey, who let you two kids in here?

_Ivan: _Ah, you must be Herr Isaak's midnight snack.

_Dietrich:_ Midnight snack?

_Dimitri:_ Hello. You must the one they call the Puppeteer Dietrich. I'm Dimitri and this is my elder brother Ivan. Nice to meet you. (shakes Di's hand) Thank you for putting us up now poor Mama is dead, Herr Isaak.

_Dietrich:_ Go (bleep) off. (to Isaak) Are you sure you don't have a fetish for brown-haired little boys, Isaak?

_Isaak_: Don't you dare ask how I got saddled with these two. (shudder) Why don't you boys go out and frolic in the sun while you still can? (muttering) May you also turn while you are at it.

_Dimitri and Ivan:_ Yes, sir! (scamper out)

_Suzanne:_ Sir! We are losing the airwaves… there's some problem with the broadcast antennae…

(Outside, the twins are dismantling the antennae bit-by-bit by the setting sun…)

(Static)

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

I just realized that the RCO Radio Hour will be severely understaffed shortly with the Albion arc coming up. Therefore, I took the liberty of introducing 2 of my own characters in this session: Ivan and Dimitri from my Star of Hope fanfic. A little physical description of the twins: blue eyes and brown hair, aged about 12. They have not turned yet. Yes. They will be terrors…


	19. Session 19

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

By the way, Suleyman's daughter is an OC in this fic, unrelated to my other fics. I don't think I will be introducing any more OCs from the Star of Hope fics apart from the twins.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 19**

_Isaak_: How the hell did I end up with you? (stares at Ivan and Dimitri, who happen to be in the midst of burning his books in the fireplace)

_Dimitri:_ Let's see… Ah yes, your little plot to set our soon-to-be stepfather up as puppet Emperor got shot to hell with silver buckshot. Our poor mama committed suicide from the disgrace of falling for such an idiot. And we got talent-spotted by the RCO's Mein Herr while we're trying to get Nanny to fit in that arrow chest. We had to take a bit off the top to get her to fit.

_Ivan:_ Then we tossed the extra bits in the lake and buried the chest under the pine tree. Rest in peace, old witch of a nanny.

_Cain_: You must have bad karma from a past life, Isaak. Here, lads, burn that other shelf as well.

_Ivan:_ Sure! One Karl Marx, one first edition Charles Dickens and Hitler's original Mein Kampf… (dumps all on the fire) Look on the bright side, Isaak. Dietrich is away at the Londinium puppet theatre. Or I will be getting back at him for that huge wedgie he did on us.

_Cain:_ Ah, it is almost time for the RCO Radio Hour. And you, Isaak, will host this show with the twins. Enjoy.

_Isaak:_ Wait! You can't be serious! (Cain leaves)

_Ivan:_ Good evening all listeners.

_Dimitri:_ Welcome to RCO Radio Hour. First, we bring you a message from a certain puppeteer who says he'll strangle us with his puppet strings if we don't announce it. Dietrich von Lohengrin, Dexter Butler or Dieter Longman, will be holding a puppet show at the Londinium Royal Puppet Theatre this weekend. He will be presenting the X-rated version of Sleeping Beauty featuring various members of Isaak's late family.

_Ivan:_ Ah, yes. He made us sit through the dress rehearsal… It was an eye-opening experience given the sexy moves by Isaak's sister. Dimitri, you were lighting up like Rudolph's nose throughout.

_Dimitri:_ You were wolf-whistling at her nude scene and cheering at the bloody massacre bits. Weaker children could be irreparably damaged. Personally, I think we are a tad underage… or maybe not… Any Albionian child welfare groups listening on this, do you think it is time to lynch this Dieter Longman guy for corrupting children? His address is at…

_Isaak:_ Dietrich… If I ever get my hands on your scrawny neck… (mimes wringing a chicken's neck) For the hundredth time, leave my family out of your perverted puppet games! (cough) Now for the news. Westminster has announced the death of Queen Brigit II of Albion. The Queen passed away in the presence of her long-time friend, Count Virgil Walsh of Manchester.

_Ivan:_ Maybe he helped her on her way. I mean. Just like we helped our last Papa on his way…

_Dimitri:_ Ivan, Mama says we are not to tell anyone about the seven bodies we have buried in her rose garden. Anyways,

_Isaak: _Will you two let me get back to the news, I am sure our listeners don't want to know what grows in your mother's rose gardens. In a rare move, Westminster has invited his holy Rabbit-ness to preside over the funeral by bribing him with Godiva chocolates and his siblings with expensive luxury gifts. However, Cardinal Caterina declined to attend when she discovered the gift of a Burberry's coat was a cheap imitation from China.

_Ivan: _Herr Isaak, phone call (passes Isaak phone)

_Rabidfangirl:_ SQUE!! CAIN ACKNOWLEGED ME! I'm so happy! Many hugs for the smexiness that is Cain!! Where can I sign up to join the RCO?

_Isaak: _What did I say about forwarding me phone calls from crazed fangirls? (bonks both twins on the head with phone receiver) Duke Ludwig has arrived in Dover with eighteen regiments, and was met with spirited resistance from the locals under the impression that the Nazis have landed and were going to rape their women and slaughter their children. By the time tempers have cooled and the misunderstanding sorted out, the Germans were treated to the hospitality of the local medical facility and morgue. Duke Ludwig escaped with minor lacerations from a farm dog's bite and is demanding an explanation. The skirmish was traced to a single prank call made to the local army barracks from a payphone in Berlin… (looks suspiciously at Dimitri, who is flipping through an Albionian phone directory)

_Dimitri:_ Who? Me? Er, by the way, did Suzanne call regarding a little trouble up off the Irish coast?

_Isaak:_ What do you know, there was an incident of mistaken identity when Duke Erin's personal yacht was fired upon and detained by the Albionian navy acting on an anonymous tip…

_Ivan:_ I'm so proud of my little brother… (hugs Dimitri) The master of prank-calling and misdirection… (Yanks his hair) Except I am your elder bro! Stop showing me up!

_Dimitri:_ Stop it! (the twins start pulling each other's hair and clothes, rolling about on the floor) I dare you to call in the Vatican Bureau of Inquisition and accuse the Pope and the Inquisition captain of witchcraft! Call in! Call in! (Isaak kicks both boys out his study and locks the door)

_Isaak:_ Ah, peace and quiet at last (light up a cigarette. Phone rings for call in segment) Damn! Hello? (picks up the phone)

_Falcon-Jade-Darkness:_ Albion isn't the only place being restless about its unclear successor to the throne. Here we have a constitutional monarchy, so the heir doesn't matter all to much, its the coming up election. There's these two parties who are going all out in getting the votes, and they're using bribery and blackmail like mad. My job is to make sure elections are fair but there's so much trouble happening here I don't know where to start, help?

_Isaak:_ Obviously no one felt you were important enough to bribe, so that's why you are calling in. If anyone asks, just say the elections are fair as far as politics go, since politics is a dirty job anyway. If riots and assassinations start, you may wish to consider leaving your country for good. See no evil, hear no evil, no? (pours himself a glass o red wine and settles down in armchair)

BOOM! (Study door gets blasted in, knocking all remaining books off shelves, breaking all windows and knocking Isaak backwards into wall.)

_Isaak:_ What the (bleep)? (faints)

_Ivan:_ (coming in with Dimitri and an Automaid with a smoking bazooka) Herr Isaak, look what we found in the basement! A mechanical Killer-Lolita series Automaid. The bazooka still works!

_MazdaKitsune:_ Problems, problems... I don't even know why I have friends. Or at least I don't know why I have irritating friends. So I admit, I'm a party animal who likes to dance and let loose, maybe bite a few Terrans in between for a snack. This girl that I know comes up to me one day, and asks me to teach her to dance, as in clubbing dancing. Everyone that knows her hates her, and she's the most... compulsive person I've ever met. Heck, she wears sunscreen in case any of us tries to murder her with sunlight, which, by the way, we tried. She's an ugly, high-waisted (bleep) with the fashion sense of the pilgrims, and I so WANT to get her off my back!

_Ivan:_ What's wrong with pilgrim chic? I like those clergy robes…

_Dimitri:_ Tried knocking her over the head yet and tossing her in the piranha tank? I did that to that annoying neighbour's kid and I haven't heard a peep from her since.

_LadyAssassin27:_ Hey evil people! Phew has it been a long week, I mean the job offers keep on coming in, I never thought there'd be a time when I might have to turn down jobs, but that's all fine, except there's this one (bleep) idiot that keeps calling, and asking me what I'm wearing, do you perhaps have anything sort of technology that can tell be who's calling and their exact location, so I can kill this idiot.

_Dimitri: _Evil? (goes teary-eyed)

_Ivan:_ (acting innocent) So… what are you wearing? I find nuns' habits hot…

_Dimitri:_ Ivan, I hate to bring this up, but weren't you the one calling her using the Orden's phone?

_Ivan:_ Shaddup, smart aleck baby brother! (Grabs letter-opener and stabs Dimitri in the wrist) Where was I? Right, Frenchie maid costumes are sexy too… Hello? I think she hung up. How rude.

(Dimitri is reconnecting phone line he unplugged earlier.)

_Icequeen:_ Greetings people! Isaak... you know how I said I'd bring you the blonde bitch's head? Well I HAVE it, but I can't seem to detach it. Axes and chainsaws just... keep bouncing off. Any clues?

_Dimitri:_ Sorry, Herr Isaak is still out of it… but if you are referring to the finer points of removing a Methuselah's noggin, Try silver. But I think it is too crude beheading folks… I wouldn't really recommend it unless really,_ really_ necessary…

_Ivan_: That's what you think. (holding a battle axe poised over Isaak)

_Isaak:_ (wakes up and sees the axe) You little ingrate… (summons shadow demons to pin both Ivan and Dimitri to the bookshelves) I'll deal with you two later… (gags both with their ties)

_Iceprincess:_ Mr Von Kampfer, I have a bone to pick with you. I'm staying at my sister's house and today when I was bringing the washing in I found a pair of... very interesting underpants with I. F Von K embroidered on what little material they consist of. Can you explain how a pair of YOUR panties ended up in MY SISTER'S washing? And don't pass the 'exchanging tokens of favour' line. NO ONE gives panties!!

_Isaak:_ Ah, so that's where I left my throngs. Your sister, she's such a filly in bed. Which was probably why I let her live… She can keep those throngs as a memento of our one-night stand.

_Slothspieller:_ Greetings, I have a question for Isaak. There has been much speculation about your actual background. Is it true that you're originally from a trailer park in Guangzhou, China? Also, is it your Methuselah regenerative abilities allow you to stay so healthy and good looking even though you're a chain smoker and heavy drinker? Just curious!

_Isaak:_ What can I say? I was _not_ born in a trailer park. I'm a direct descendent of European and Egyptian royalty… And I have my Methuselah bloodline to thank for my vibrant good looks and health.

_Ivan: _(spitting out gag) Liar, liar, pants on fire. We are descended from the Romanovs of Imperial Russia and we don't have you on the family tree. In fact, our direct ancestress is the Grand Duchess Anastasia, so our mother says.

_Isaak:_ Little boys should never lie to their betters.

_Dimitri: _(spitting out his gag) Herr Isaak, can you please let me down? I really need to use the boy's room…

_Ivan: _I think Herr Isaak's Jewish. You have some parts missing down south. Herr Dietrich told us you suffered an accident during your mmf! Mff! (Isaak rams Ivan's tie down his throat)

_Isaak: _Dietrich! What nonsense have you been filling these little numbskulls with?!

_Dimitri:_ I really NEED to go! Child Welfare! Cruel and unusual punishment being inflicted on a minor here! HELP! (squirming about)

_Isaak: _Then go! (releases the twins) Why is my Persian carpet wet?

_Dimitri: _Sorry, Herr Isaak… (looking guilty)

_Isaak: _GET OUT OF MY STUDY! You two are going to catch the next train out of Berlin!

_Dietrich:_ (calling in) Isaak, how are you enjoying the company of the twins? They're the sweetest angels, no? (smirk)

_Isaak:_ Dietrich! They are just like you, no angels! Gak! They're worse than you were at that age! You are going to put them up at your place in Londinium. No arguments!

_Dietrich:_ What? You don't expect me to babysit! Aren't you due to come over here anyway?

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Perverted puppet shows featuring zombies by Di. Isaak and Dietrich are poor guardians, aren't they? Vote-time! Which of the twins do you think is the better RCO recruit? Which one is better at ruffling Isaak? Ivan or Dimitri?

Important announcement: Please see my bio for details.


	20. Session 20

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Connection problems again… Sigh. For some reason, I'm plagued by them. Last appearance by Dietrich here. We all know he gets killed about here by Cain, if the Albionian Child Welfare don't nail him for child corruption first.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 20**

_Dietrich_: If I weren't too busy fleeing from a lynch mob of angry parents and grandparents, I would find the fact we are seeking sanctuary in Manchester Cathedral disguised as choir boys highly ironic. Now I know why Suzanne needed 3 bottles of brandy to fortify herself after the plane trip. And Isaak dumped you on me. You two stay here and…

_Dimitri:_ Fraulein Suzanne, thanks for letting us ride with you in your Lancaster bomber. We are sorry we landed it in the Thames. Oops, someone coming…

_Count Virgil:_ (stepping up to the altar and past our trio of fake choir boys) Our Father in Heaven… please give me patience not to kill my no-good sister when I get my hands on her! In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost! (cough) Amen. (leaves)

_Dimitri_: I think he's gone… Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your RCO Radio Hour from Londinium, Albion. First on the news, the Royal Londinium Puppet Theatre has cancelled their matinee of Sleeping Beauty amidst protests and threats to lynch the master puppeteer, Dieter Longman, better known as Dietrich von Lohen…

_Dietrich_: I think someone needs a wedgie… (grabs Dimitri by his pants)

_Dimitri_: ARGH! Molest! Help!

_Dietrich_: What? You are not wearing any underwear?

_Dimitri: _Molest! Help! Hilfe (Help in German)!

_Dietrich:_ Shut up! (hits Dimitri and drags him into the confessional)

_Ivan:_ Well, more news from Albion. We have rumours that a vampire has kidnapped the pope and Westminster has announced that firm action will be taken against all vampires… Dang. How come we always get the blame whenever some churchman croaks? Duke Ludwig has launched a formal complaint against the Albionians for their less than friendly reception at Dover. Duke Erin has filed a suit against the Albionian navy for damages to his private yacht… (looks at the rocking confessional booth) Hey, Herr Terran, have you set up the phone line yet?

_Dietrich: _The phone line was up, until I used it to try stringing your twin up. (opens confessional door to show Dimitri twitching at the end of the phone line)

_Ivan:_ Dimitri! Hang in there, bro! (runs into the confessional to free his brother)

_Dietrich:_ Let's get this over with. I have an appointment to keep! A plane crashed in the Thames River near London Bridge last night. No casualties were reported. Authorities are puzzled that no one has come forward. Is the line fixed?

_Dimitri:_ Yes, Herr Dietrich. The next confession in this booth will be going live on the cathedral's public address system.

_Dietrich_: Good. Callers, you may call in now! Just get it over with so I can ditch these imps.

_Ivan:_ Herr Dietrich, do you wish to make a confession?

_Dietrich:_ What? Is your choir boy frock on too tight? What do I have to confess?

_Ivan:_ Well, raping a minor for a start, namely my brother, followed by the seven deadly sins of sloth, wrath, pride, lust, envy, greed and gluttony.

_Dietrich: _What? I never laid a hand on him. I don't go for kids!

_Ivan:_ Explain why you were feeling about in our pants to wedgie us, spanking us at the slightest excuse and making lewd remarks about us.

_MazdaKitsune:_ Hey, last week's show was a blast! I'm just happy to say that I'm a fan of Ivan and Dimitri now! My cousin and I were listening to it and we just about fell of our chairs laughing our heads off! Keep up the good work, twins! Di, here's a toast to your AutoJagger that I've modified and kept. Not only does it wash and keep the house clean, it kills intruders! I'm really interested in how you make these things... want to let me in on your secret?

_Dietrich:_ You little imps… How dare you upstage your betters! (uses his wires to bind up the twins) Let's see… There's a seedy little establishment I can drop you two off at after I'm done with my mission. Twins are popular, especially good-looking ones, in certain circles. Caller, I am not going to let you in so easily on my secret. Maybe we can negotiate something later? I'm always open to selling secret at a reasonable price.

_Icequeen:_ Okay, I got the head off. I had TRIED silver, apparently Diamond tipped rotary blades are the way to go. What do you know, diamonds ARE useful. Isaak, you are raking in the sympathy points with babysitting the munchkins. And for future reference, the 'tokens of favour' line would have caused MUCH less mortification on my end. Really, did you HAVE to say that to my SISTER? Oh, by the by, I probably should have mentioned this in my last call... or when I was riding Isaak into the mattress, but I was recently given some interesting documents pertaining to cloning, all original manuscripts of Dr Frankenstein. And as I have all the "genetic material" I need I'm thinking of making my own black-haired, black-hearted bishie. I think I'll call the prototype 'Fernand'. Copies of these documents will be going to the highest bidder. You may want to make an offer soon, the Vatican Inquisition has already made a generous offer.

_Dietrich:_ Lady, have you gone for any AIDS or STD tests yet? Isaak does go around the brothels a lot. Thanks for the tip on diamonds though. I may want to keep that in mind when dealing with some pesky vampire brats. (looks meaningfully at the twins wriggling about in the confessional) Oh good luck to the Church of they think they can reform Isaak's clone.

_Dimitri: _Considered seeing a doctor yourself, Herr Dietrich? For we all know you go about the brothels after Herr Isaak. (gets kicked)

_Ivan:_ I think you hit a nerve.

_Dietrich_: I HATE babysitting. (tears up a hymn book and gags the twins with the pages)

_Firey-Moonlight:_ I'm back! First, thanks for the New-life package, including forged documents and identity papers that have allowed me to escape the lawyers. Sadly, me running off means that the legal battle for family assets passed without my presence, and the money's been divided amongst my blood and step siblings. One of them even had the nerve to announce in a press conference that I would never be able to win him because legal battles involve brains, not the fighting I keep getting into. High security on his side prevents me from going after him directly, so any creative ideas on your side?

_Dietrich:_ Get him into the Ghetto in Londinium in two hours' time. I can almost guarantee you that your troubles with him will be over once my boys deal with him. (whistles for AutoJaggers) Good night all. I have a pressing appointment I must see to. (to AutoJaggers) Troops, have these two pests nailed into a crate and thrown into the Thames. We are moving out in ten minutes. (looks down at his choir boy get-up) Oh, and fetch me my spare uniform!

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

The twins seem to be pretty well received. They are imps and they are not that innocent. A minor interruption by Count Virgil. And hopefully, no one is doing any confessions in Manchester Cathedral, at least until they decouple the confessional booths from the PA system.


	21. Session 21

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Dietrich is dead by now. And Isaak's busy with a battleship. So most of your calls will wind up being attended to by our sweet 'angelic' little twins. Note to Isaak fangirls, Isaak gets a little sick of his one-night stands.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 21**

_Isaak:_ What the (bleep) is going on here? The Orden's show operating out of Manchester Cathedral? And what is with the altar boy look? (glares at the twins)

_Dimitri:_ Herr Isaak, sincerest apologies. After Herr Dietrich had us thrown in the Thames, we managed to bust our way out of the crate and get back here. The only dry clothes available were from the church's laundry van.

_Isaak: _This is really, REALLY against all my beliefs. I am NOT doing the show in a cathedral with two (shudder) altar boys.

_Ivan:_ No encore of Barcelona? (kicking his heels at the organ) Phooey. (starts playing Amazing Grace) Amazing grace… How sweet the sound…

_Dimitri: _Sir, seeing you bedded a couple of ladies… shouldn't you sort things out with them? There's a certain lady who says she has your offspring on the way…

_Isaak:_ That's it! Tell those cheap sluts I have no intention of taking any responsibility for any accidental souvenirs. If they have any problems with that, I refer them to my shadow minions. I'm outta here. (Storms off)

_Dimitri:_ Cough, are we on the air? Good. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. First, we will be observing a moment of silence for a departed comrade… (sound of party poppers and Ivan doing a lively polka melody on the organ) Ahem, I said a moment of silence. In memory of the only Terran who has the balls to hang out in the Orden, rile all the other good chaps and a few frauleins…

_Ivan:_ And Mein Herr himself. For he's a jolly good fellow… like real… (playing the organ)

_Dimitri:_ Shouldn't we like claim his corpse or something? After all, he's one of the Orden.

_Ivan:_ Oh sure, and risk getting arrested for consorting with known terrorists? Hi, we're here to claim the mortal remains of that chap who set loose a zombie army on you folks. I'm not feeling particularly suicidal, especially over that person, thank you.

_Cain:_ Hello, lads. (drifting in) I imagine you found Albion to your liking. Let's start with the news. First, AutoJaggers attacked the Ghetto a.k.a. Albionian slave labour sweatshop. Next, I demolished Buckingham Palace. Lastly, the Rose Cross Order has an opportunity for someone with experience in managing an army of AutoJaggers or vampire zombies. Interested parties may apply via our website.

_Ivan:_ If we can't find someone, we have about fifty good AutoJaggers for sale.

_Suzanne:_ (storming in) Where is Panzer Magier? I woke up and find he's taken off without me.

_Dimitri_: Fraulein, he went on ahead to the airfield.

_Suzanne:_ What? He agreed to let me pilot the battleship this time.

_Cain:_ Too bad, Suzanne. Isaak's driving this round. Be a dear and get me some fish and chips from that little shop at Trafalgar's. I might feel peckish after settling some old scores.

_Suzanne: _Yes, Mein Herr. (bows and leaves)

_Dimitri:_ Dear listeners in Albion, expect a firework spectacular tonight. You may now call in!

_General Zargon:_ (coughs) Thanks a lot you (bleep)! Now I have to sift through the rubble to see if anything managed to survive the explosion, though now my wife is on the warpath and aiming to kill my sister-in-law so I guess that's something. But anyway, have any ideas on how to keep the authorities from finding the machine guns I stashed in the basement? By the way, in return for your useful (insert sarcasm) advice a crate full of Jehovah witnesses bearing crosses and bibles will arrive at your location five minutes after I hang up, so have fun!(hangs up)

_Cain:_ Goody, target practice opportunity. (leaves to seek out Jehovah witnesses outside cathedral)

_Ivan:_ Listener, move those guns from the basement and stash them in the family crypt. It's good enough for our late mother, until that Duke of Tigris borrowed some of our explosives and blew up the neighbouring mausoleum. (sounds of screaming outside) Oh, those Jehovah witnesses are early. Next!

_Artemis400:_ Does Dietrich ever feel intimidated in the Orden? After all, he's the only Terran…

_Dimitri:_ I dunno, but those folks who don't see eye to eye with our departed Marionettespieller end up joining his AutoJagger corps.

_Icequeen:_ No, no no, I won't be giving Fernand to the Vatican, just the documentation on how to clone for themselves. I think they intend to duplicate their Knight of Destruction, whoever THAT is. And for our info, all my playthings are vet-checked before they even enter my bedroom. Isaak is clean, in case anyone's wondering. And Fernand turned out almost perfect. I just need to educate him. Isaak is the product of his experiences; which Fernand lacks. Heh, Isaak with the mentality of a child. It's adorable.

_Dimitri:_ Hello? Child Welfare Units? We may have a potential child abuser here…

_Ivan:_ Who needs cloning? The whole thing is way over-rated. Our parents did it with no fancy science. Dimitri and I are totally identical.

LadyAssassin27: Good evening, business has been great the last weeks, I really am thinking of expanding you know, anyway I must say I find your new hosts quite amusing, except for the prank calls, by the way, Ivan was it, if you must know I am wearing a Black suit and tie, I am a professional after all, so you can get that perverted little mind of yours out of the gutter. Anyway, Dietrich, could I have my sister back, I think her as an AutoJagger, would make a nice partner, and something to torture my parents with.

_Dimitri:_ I regret to inform you that we are unable to return your sister as she was among the AutoJaggers we lost in the Ghetto due to a certain young lady's bad hair day. Lady Vanessa, if you are listening in, we can recommend a good hair conditioner.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ I managed to convince my _dear_ brother to go to one of those abandoned passages that leads down to the ghetto. Managed to seal the door too, so he won't be coming out anytime soon. However, this poses a rather awkward problem: how the heck am I supposed to confirm whether he's died or not when I'm outside? Do you have any cameras set inside that would allow me to see the visuals of my brother's pleasantly gory death?

_Ivan:_ We are sorry but we had our cameras all set to capture Mein Herr's moment of glory in that control room when he killed that silly priest. By the way, we have uploaded the video of Dietrich von Lohengrin's gory demise on the Orden's website. The look on his face was priceless.

_Cain:_ (coming in with a packet of fish and chips) Abel's late. When's the coffin due? I thought the wake was to have started at teatime at Rosslyn Chapel.

_Dimitri:_ Apologies, Mein Herr. This is Manchester Cathedral. The chapel is up the street.

_Cain:_ Well I never. This cathedral is the size of a chapel back in Berlin… How tiny is their chapel? Do the Albionians do everything in Lilliputian? This serving of fish and chips is a mere morsel. I must be going… can't be late for my brother's funeral (smile)

_Ivan:_ Speaking of food, I'm starved. Anyone for some bubble and squeak?

_Dimitri:_ I hear from Reiz there's a joint at the Riverside that sells a tasty shepherd pie.

_Ivan:_ With or without the shepherd?

_Dimitri:_ Who cares, let's pick up some proper clothes. I spy some Eton schoolboys our size at the bus stop across the street. You go for the blondie, I'll get hold of the redhead. We'll stuff them in the church dumpster on the way out. (gets whacked by bible to the head) What's that for?

_Ivan:_ That was my idea, Dimitri, don't forget that. Good food, a good view of the fireworks… Let's do a takeaway and head for Tower Bridge.

* * *

**Author****'s Notes:**

We have bid goodbye to our favourite puppeteer. If the RCO falls apart, Dimitri and Ivan will find themselves out of a job. The votes are in, so far, Ivan is the nastier one of the pair. The twins are so irreverent towards poor Di. At least Dimitri made some effort at an eulogy.


	22. Session 22

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Isaak has gone MIA. The survivors of the Orden are pondering a career switch. Calls will be monitored and adapted to fit in if need be. Apologies if the Orden refuses to reply. They are undergoing a crisis of sorts.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 22**

_Ivan:_ Good evening all. We regret to inform you that this may be our last show as the Orden is on the verge of a break up. My twin is scouring the Classifieds in the Hellfire Club where Reiz has landed a part-time gig as bartender. How the (bleep) hell did this happen? Well, Herr Isaak crossed the wrong priests and ended up having his battleship blown to smithereens…

_Suzanne:_ That was OUR battleship. Reiz, please pass me more of that house brew. What do they call it? The Hellfire Brew? Danke. You boys want anything?

_Ivan:_ Whatever…

_Dimitri:_ One cuppa Earl Grey. Easy on the milk. There're openings for a chimney sweep… boot-boy…. Oh, here's one for a lamplighter. Night-shift only. We may want to consider this…

_Suzanne_: Any openings for a night-flight pilot?

_Ivan:_ Dimitri! You are an imperial noble, or at least the son of one, find a job with more dignity.

_Dimitri:_ What do you propose? Without Herr Isaak and Mein Herr, we're out in the streets.

_Ivan:_ Let's get a shovel and bucket and go over to wherever Mein Herr landed…

_Suzanne:_ That'll be somewhere in Paris according to my radar.

_Dimitri:_ Herr Isaak isn't on hand to piece him together, you know. I suppose there might be a chance of a miracle that he survived. Of course, we have to wait for nightfall before doing any fishing.

_Ivan:_ It's a deal then. (grabs nasty-looking boat hook) It might be dark enough soon. If he starts smoking, I'll just dunk him back in the Thames. (opens door to leave, letting in the last rays of the setting sun. Howls of agony from Suzanne and Reiz)

_Suzanne:_ Argh! It burns! SHUT THE (BLEEPING) DOOR! (drops to the floor and starts rolling in agony. Reiz is cowering behind the bar. Ivan and Dimitri have not turned yet, so a bit of sunlight does them no harm)

_Dimitri:_ I'll join you after the show, Ivan. Happy fishing! (closes the door) You chaps alright?

_Suzanne:_ If you consider suffering a near-murder normal, we are doing fine.

_Dimitri:_ Back to the news. The new Queen of Albion has been revealed as the late Prince Gilbert's only child, Esther Blanchett. Esther was raised by the Church and is currently a nun. However, she is expected to return to secular life and step into her role as the monarch of Albion. A former nun as queen? Now that's way freaky. Well, she is kinda cute, but a bit too old for me. Maybe if she has a cute redhead kid sister or daughter…. (cough) A special request by an Imperial noblewoman… This dedication goes to Ion Fortuna. (sips at his tea) Ahem, "Ion Fortuna, if you still consider yourself my grandson, get back to your mission. I am not pleased by you going AWOL (absent without leave) en route to Rome. Your loving Grandmama." How sweet. Do call in.

_Duke Ludwig:_ I need some advice. My distant grandaunt passed away and I was looking forward to beefing up my assets with a sizeable inheritance. Suddenly, she leaves everything to a naïve girl from a nunnery. Since this fraulein happens to be my grandaunt's grandchild, I have no legal grounds to contest. Help.

_Dimitri:_ Be a gentleman. Charm the young lady off her feet. With luck, you could get a wedding ring on her finger.

_Duke Ludwig:_ Well, I may be single but skinny redhead girls are not my type…

_Dimitri:_ Honeymoon accidents are commonplace, ja?

_Tensa-chan:_ I would like to call in to borrow some of Dieter's AutoJaggers, with or without permission. Since you folks are disbanding, could you…

_Suzanne:_ We dumped the lot at a dumpster outside Westminster Abbey. Go knock yourself out.

_LadyAssassin27: _So Dietrich's dead huh, sad, his advice wasn't so bad for a Terran, well at lest now I don't owe him that free kill anymore, still rather sad. And too bad about my sis though, awe well I'll find another way to torture my folks, if you decide to sell any of for remaining Auto Jaggers I would like to buy one.

_Dimitri:_ All those remaining AutoJaggers are hanging out at a dumpster in Westminster. Free of charge, since they were starting to stink in this weather. We have liquidated most of the Orden's assets, except for those Lost Technology things. Anyone interested?

_Artemis400:_ May I cry because Dietrich is dead? I'm sorry, but... Why did he have to die? Was there something he did wrong, or? Is he at least going to get a funeral?

_Dimitri:_ Yes, we all miss the little backstabber. That mockery he did on Youtube impersonating Mein Herr was amusing, but bad for his health once Cain claps his peepers on it. Cry by all means, but you'll be better using your tears to water daisies. We all did a vote and the decision is to forgo a funeral and use our remaining funds whilst we seek alternative employment.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ As I happen to quite like Dietrich, his death was not so pleasant for me, but thanks for the info. Anyways, I'm currently spluttering in disbelief right now because SOMEHOW my brother managed to survive! I sent him to the Ghetto and he survived! Okay, so now he's missing an arm and confined in a wheelchair, but he survived! To make things more infuriating, my former partner who betrayed me plus the Inquisition Knight I used to torture (Former RCO hosts will remember previous rants) are now all in Albion and getting cozy! How do I kill the first two without killing the Knight, since I'm harbouring a rather - to quote Cain - 'normal' obsession with him?

_Dimitri:_ Use a gun or knife or just shove your brother's wheelchair in front of the midnight express train at King's Cross. If only killing off unwanted siblings was so simple. Next, I suggest divide and conquer. Lure your partner away from that knight and kill him. Since this is not my partner, I can't suggest what lure you should use.

_Icequeen:_ Isaak can rest easy. He will NOT be having anything to do with Fernand. I only mention him for the sake of proof that the cloning system works. By the by, the Empire won the bidding war, they now have all documentation regarding cloning. Ivan, Dimitri, your parents got lucky. It's very rare to get exact replicas. Even more so when one of them is a few hundred years older than the other. Okay, I've had my fun. Confession time. I never actually slept with Isaak. The panties that caused all this were intended to be a gag gift for him. I embroidered and washed them (tag said wash before wear), and I honestly didn't think my sister would over-react so much. Then Isaak's response to her accusations left the door WIDE open for mind games. I don't know who he slept with that he's getting me confused with. And the DNA sample that I created Fernand from I received from some traitor in the Orden. I think he's already dead. Anyhow, like I said, I've had my fun. Twins, let me know Isaak's reaction to this. And I'm sending you guys a bucket of sherbet. You need more sugar.

_Dimitri:_ Isaak is probably resting in peace, hopefully. As for my parents, they were lucky, I guess… but I don't feel particularly lucky stuck with a psychotic bully. (sips tea) By the way, that lady Isaak crawled into bed with after that wild swing party was probably my late mother, who was trying to get Duke Suleyman jealous. I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but Herr Isaak does have some unusual tastes… I found a long blond wig and an evening gown in his bedside drawer…. I suppose I should send them to you as a thank-you for candy. I prefer mint.

_InuJoey:_ Hello, I'm what you call a terran. My car just got stolen by a Methuselah. If he is listening I just wanted him to know the gas gage is goofed up if it reads full, the tank is actually only half full. Also please don't kill the shepherd, least until I get the 10 sheep I bought. And one more item good show.

_Suzanne:_ Gee, sorry if your car's that Rolls Royce parked in Whitechapel Alley. The gas gage wouldn't be causing me too much trouble, since I'm using your engine parts to fix my plane after it got blasted by a stray lightning bolt from a Vatican priest. No one builds engines like Rolls Royce. If your shepherd was that chap standing on the corner with 10 sheep, Reiz got a teeny bit thirsty en route… you know… I suppose the sheep are still running about the neighbourhood.

_Fernand:_ (sounds exactly like Isaak) Brother Isaak, I call you against The Lady's wishes, yet I feel my existence is meaningless whenever I stay in her house. I wish to join you in the Orden. You need not fear a rival Magician, my talents lie in technomancy; the ability to override control of machines and bend them to my purpose. I have trained myself. I have taken temporary control of the Vatican's Killing Doll. I will await your instructions my Brother. Use me as you see fit.

_Dimitri:_ Herr Isaak? Is that you? (drops teacup) Holy (bleeping-bleep) hell! (scrambles to put away Isaak's personal articles put up for sale to his fangirls at the bar counter)

_Fernand:_ No, I am Isaak's clone. Where's my brother?

_Dimitri:_ (Cough) I'm sorry to inform you that Herr Isaak may be deceased. Say, since you have control over that Killing Doll, why don't you prove yourself by getting that dolly to kill your Lady. At least we'll get the house and more funds to re-build the Orden, (under his breath) with me in charge.

_Suzanne: _Ambitious little mite, aren't you? Maybe a bit too ambitious… I think it is time for some pre-emptive action, don't you, Reiz? (starts cornering Dimitri with Reiz)

_Falcon-Jade-Darkness:_ Well that's nice (stares at rising smoke in distance) So, after the troublesome election I had to try fixing, I decided to take a long vacation in the country. But I think there was a huge storm last night because there was a lot of lightning and this morning I woke to see a crater not far from my home while smoke's off somewhere in the distance. Someone's probably going to think I'm responsible for the mess, any ideas on how to 1) cover up this incidence or 2) flee the country when my finances are rather limited at the moment?

_Dimitri:_ Think you are in dire straits? Just try being stuck in a foreign country with limited cash and unfriendly company. (Suzanne has Dimitri pushed into a corner with Reiz holding a corkscrew to his throat)

_Ivan:_ (calling in) Dimitri! I think I found him! Under the London Bridge… he's wedged there somehow. Can't get a decent grip with my hook. Oops, there goes his spleen and liver, I think… Will Isaak regenerate a new spleen when I fish him out? I'll try sinking the hook into his chest…

_Dimitri:_ Hang in there, Herr Isaak. Reiz, you heard him. Let's go! (shoves both Suzanne and Reiz aside and grabs a mean-looking boat hook) Good night all!

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**Author's Notes:**

What do you know, Dimitri likes redheads. Dimitri is one heck of an ambitious blighter and devious too. The Orden better watch their backs.


	23. Session 23

Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Gee, I wonder if they managed to fish up all Isaak's body parts from the Thames. This is officially the last RCO Hour.

* * *

**RCO Radio Hour**

**Session 23**

_Ivan:_ Good evening… RCO Radio Hour operating from the Hellfire Club. We have locks of Dietrich's hair for sale. Interested fangirls may call in to place an order. Fifty dinas per lock due to limited supply.

_Isaak:_ Explain why you and your brother are sporting the skinhead look.

_Dimitri:_ Long story. (pulls cap over bald head) How are you feeling, Herr Isaak?

_Isaak:_ How should I feel after having my innards torn out and my limbs ripped off by boat hooks? Where's Suzanne?

_Ivan:_ The Red Baroness? She's lodging a complaint with Rolls Royce for refusing to supply the parts for her engine. It appears that Rolls Royce automobile parts are not compatible with Folker planes. Oops, I think I stepped on your guts… (picks up coil of intenstines from floor and drops it into Isaak's lap)

_Isaak:_ Reiz, a hand please! I need some peace to regenerate… (Reiz wheels Isaak to the back room)

_Dimitri:_ Let's see… Tonight's news, Queen Esther is slated to be crowned officially in Westminster Abbey on the coming Sunday. Vatican officials have agreed to the nation's request that the Pope preside over the ceremony in place of the Archbishop of Canterbury. His Grace the Archbishop is currently under observation in a padded cell after he burst into the local police station screaming about winged angels of doom. Reconstruction contract on Buckingham palace has been won by Ghet-Builders. The investigations into the attack on Londinium by an unknown aircraft are still ongoing. So far, no leads have been turned up.

_Ivan:_ Gossip has it that Her Majesty is currently being pursued by two former contenders to the Albionian throne. Bouquets of roses have been sent by Duke Erin and Duke Ludwig in a non-too-subtle attempt to cement their ties with Albion via marriage. The current guardians of the Queen are non-too-pleased by this turn of events as the Queen has yet to reach her eighteenth birthday and the legal age for marriage without parental consent in Albion. Captain Mary Spencer insists that all talk of marriage, political or otherwise, is too soon.

_Dimitri: _We will be closing our show due to complaints from various civil organizations and lack of funds. So this is your last chance to be insulted, humiliated or urged to do things you normally wouldn't even think of. Do call in.

_Firey-Moonlight:_ This is back to the beginning! I used a gun and shot my brother so FINALLY my problem with him was dealt with. So I couldn't prove being able to outsmart him, oh well. However like I said, he was getting friendly with my traitorous partner and an Inquisition Knight I'm obsessed with. Said traitorous partner luckily wasn't on scene, but the Knight was and now he's chasing after me again screaming HERECTIC and HALT IN THE NAME OF GOD!! Any brilliant ideas on escape without hurting him TOO much?

_Ivan:_ Kill him instantaneously and painlessly…

_Count Virgil_: Hello? I have a bit of a problem. I have a ward in my care, a young lady of high standing. She is currently being pursued by two gentlemen of high rank whose intentions I believe to be less than gentlemanly…

_Vanessa:_ (in background) Less than gentlemanly? How about Spencer nabbing (bleeping) rat-face Ludwig sneaking about Her Majesty's private rooms? Requesting permission to use my shotgun the next time he trespasses!

_Mary Spencer:_ (in background) Virgil, you have to do something! Erin's trying to bribe my men for access to the Queen. (To her men) Let Ludwig or Erin within breathing distance of the palace and you will be court-marshalled!

_Virgil: _I'm working on it!

_Dimitri: _My, my… what a fix you are in. My advice. The enemy of your enemy may be your friend. Set these two less-than-desirable suitors against each other. A duel to the death?

_Virgil:_ What if one of them lives?

_Dimitri: _I have a plan… Lonely venue, impartial witnesses... Do you know anyone with a good aim? We can talk over this further on the other line. Excuse me, cover for me will you, bro?

_Ivan:_ With pleasure.

_Tensa-chan:_ Thanks! (starts rearranging the parts) I hope you don't mind my testing out my... modifications... on your lovely building?

_Ivan_: Be my guest. This place is a rental anyway.

_Icequeen:_ Hey Suzanne, if you're looking for someone to help rebuild your battle-ship, Fernand is a willing and able technomancer. He and I had a talk last night. He wishes to join you in the Orden. I'm loathed to let him go, but he'll come visit occasionally, and I feel he'll be of more use to you than me. Imagine: Isaak with short hair and a subservient attitude at your beck and call. Let me know if you're interested and where we should ship his luggage. To the twins, hope you guys got the 10 kilos of sherbet I sent. There should be about 4 different flavours in buckets.

_Isaak: _What's this? I have my reputation to think of! My lookalike joining the Orden? Over my dead body!

_Ivan: _That can be arranged…

_Dimitri:_ (returning) Sherbet? We didn't taste the stuff. At least I didn't. Ivan pumped the sherbet into the soup of the local diabetic association's lunch. Instant diabetic coma. Ivan, I have landed a job with the Walsh household.

_Ivan: _As bootboy? (snicker) Or houseboy.

_Dimitri: _This is an opportunity for me, nein? I will need to work on my accent a wee bit to pull it off…

_LadyAssassin27_: I'm glad this show is still running, and thanks for the Autojagger, makes the perfect partner really, would have liked a werewolf, but they are so hard to find, so I think a mindless corpse will do. You know since business has been good lately, and since your show has being entertaining me for awhile, I think I could send you guys a little cash, would just like to know who to address the cheque to?

_Dimitri: _Address it to Rosenkruez Orden…

_Ivan: _Ivan Flamevogel.

_InuJoey:_ Wow, car parts work on aircraft? Cool. Also I found my sheep. If you want some nice warm wool sweaters let me know. I accidentally bought the jumbo sized sheep. So I got more wool than I need. Uh-oh a werewolf just ate them all. Well the sweaters are still available. The sweaters are free if I can keep the werewolf.

_Isaak: _No. Reiz is in my employ. We do not need those measly sweaters, since we do not have any Terrans left in our organization. Unturned Methuselahs can shiver in winter.

_Slothspieller: _Isaak will probably be all right despite the loss of some internal organs. After all, he must have to regenerate his lungs and liver on a weekly basis thanks to his alcohol and tobacco consumption! By the way, I miss Dietrich too! In fact, I'm considering a new career as a Dietrich-impersonator to fill the emotional void.

_Isaak:_ We have objections to Dietrich impersonators… However, if you do anything that may damage our Orden's reputation… you know what will happen… There, I have finally done regenerating my body. Reiz! Let's get back to sweet Germanius. Well, I think we can do a side-trip to Paris to pick up Cain… (gets out shovel and bucket)

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

The twins have brown hair, blue eyes and a mean streak. That's the end of the series, readers.


End file.
